心里有数

那么简单却又那么复杂
好像一般却无人能解答
谁能明白这心理状态
又有谁能看见我藏在心底的无奈

其实从头我心里有数
只是不想看得太过清楚
看破了红尘我依然孤独
不如让我选择这生糊涂

爱我的人我也留不住
尝试去爱也是晚霞朝露
瞬间依在，瞬间幸福
瞬间永远只剩一霄一宿

还没开始就忽然结束
每次走到这里我就不服
看见周围双对谈笑啼哭
我也会想体会平凡幸福

有时想起谁曾让我喜怒
好想永远都不要醒悟
就是无缘能够遇见
能骗我到入土那天的诱人谎言

那么简单却又那么复杂
好像一般却无人能解答
谁能明白这心理状态
又有谁能看见我藏在心底的无奈

词/曲 逸励 (c)Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

the world is held together
by a piece of string
its ends tied together
with a butterfly knot inside you
and sometimes you feel like
everything is just going to fall apart

the nights are long
when you lie alone in bed
with a sore throat
and there's nothing really interesting on TV
on nights when all your friends seem far away
and you cannot remember what made the other day so fun
you can't sleep
but that's what you tell yourself when
you can't get yourself to turn the tv off
afraid that once the last lights go out
whatever presence you are left with might also disappear just like that
as if the remote control would switch the whole world off
and leave nobody to switch it back on
in the morning

columns of wood planks
lined up into a beige wall
stand tall, unmoving,
and the smell of sawdust
fills the air in front of the wood dealer.
every time i pass by i would stop
and try to fit this image of the wood dealer
into my memory of the smell of sawdust
balming the cool air in the Old House
that i cannot anymore recall in detail.
but this smell of raw wood
calls to me to go in and sit
at its feet, like your cat would,
curled up beside you while you stroke her fur
promising to protect her from storms of the world;
but no, the walls of wood themselves do not speak
and this is private property -
but i would always steal one breathful of the fragrant air,
breathing it in deep,
and cycle on.

どこかで嗅いだにおいの空気が
肺に満ちる。
早朝のちょっと寒い
すがすがしさの中に
異国の匂いがなく、懐かしい元気さが
肌から染み入る。
そうだ、中学時代のセントウサだ。

そして上で広がる
雲の無い星空も
あの時のまんま。
テントの中があつくて、
みんな懐中電灯をもって
星空の下で
未知の大人の世界のことを論じ
夜を更かしーー
あの頃の時間は
永遠に流れるように感じたな。
卒業なんて、永遠が終わってからのことさ。

なのに今は社会人人生6年目
永遠が終わった今も
どこかに
永遠が続く僕がまだいる、
今日星空を見上げて
そう感じた。
そうだ、中学時代のセントウサだ、
いまだに元気をくれている。

tired eyes
and ears that want to hear again
the songs that make my mind wander the distances
and make the repetitive calls of cicadas suddenly quiet;
songs that remind me there's a sky and a sea farther than the horizon
and worlds that spin each with a different pulse, waiting to be discovered again -
if, and only if,
the child within is still capable of curiosity -
songs that remind me why i so struggle to keep alive
that child; songs that
breathe life into moments
and make it seems that
the past and the future have come together again.

Walk,
When the walls on your left, and your right are cold,
When you're not sure if there's a hand in front reaching out to hold yours,
When the only place you still hear the song is in your head.

Walk,
Even when you seem to be going in circles,
Even when you don't see a light in miles,
Even when you're not sure if you're going to make it.

Walk,
And recall the song that warmed you and sing it,
And let your voice reach out like hands into a darkness feeling just as lost
And remember the light that bathed you, is inside you waiting to be born.

Black walls, under a black ceiling,
Not like the four walls of a room
But like a maze
Just a little too tall for one to see what's on the other side.
The windows covered with opaque paper,
Black too, but now full of holes;
And in the morning these tiny holes light up
With a light that seems to be the only thing that belongs
To a world where time still moves.

Black Box

Black walls, under a black ceiling,
Not like the four walls of a room
But like a maze
Just a little too tall for one to see what's on the other side.
The windows covered with opaque paper,
Black too, but now full of holes;
And in the morning these tiny holes light up
With a light that seems to be the only thing that belongs
To a world where time still moves.

淡淡的
酸酸的
深深的
茫茫的
难道这就是乡愁？
也不是想什么
但是好像忘了什么
生活有点暗淡
一份孤单，一份疲劳，
难道这就是离乡的味道？
爷爷尝过，爸爸含过，
现在我应该要牢牢记得这味道，
就好像玫瑰包在花蕾里面
花瓣的味道是苦苦的
涩涩的
但有了苦苦的花瓣
才那么香醇。

in the end, we're really all just information. very evolved information. if we let digital version of "genes" evolve, they'll end up just as evolved, someday. but in between all the things that what genes do, the resulting chemistry makes us feel this thing called "emotions". I wonder what kind of "emotions" digital genes can end up feeling.

I find it difficult to finish the day
Because the hustle of the day leaves me
With little change, but i still dig hard
To find that one-cent coin I don't have
So that tomorrow's change won't come in all sorts of odd shapes
That do not stack up properly in my world.
So i let the minutes run by
My eyes open, neither asleep nor awake
Tired from navigating, having brought home
The rest of the body, now collected in a pile
Until some strange courage tucks me into bed and whispers in my ear
That it's alright to leave the rest of everything left undone,
That Tomorrow will come to me as generously as today had -
And the thing is,
I already know that
From the countless nights I had watched
The nights deepen into mornings that do not
Leave me any more comforted.

saw/heard the most inspiring piece of art/thought about art in years.
Arthur Ganson: Sculpture that's truly moving

"...all of these pieces start off in my own mind in my heart and I do my best at finding ways to express them with materials and it always feel very crude, and it's always a struggle, but somehow I manage to get the thought out into an object and then it's there; it means nothing at all - the object itself just means nothing - (but) once its perceived and someone brings it into their own mind then there's a cycle that has been completed and to me that's the most important thing... and that is the complete cycle, coming from inside, out to the physical, to someone perceiving it." - Arthur Gansor

To me, that's a beautiful way of saying something that seems to hint at the the most fundamental difference in approach between the engineering and the arts - to engineering, the object, or the thought behind the object is everything, but to art, the object is nothing - it's the thought after the object that counts. And it's really inspiring how the language of engineering can similarly be used to say that sweet nothing that means everything.

悲欢岁月

悲莫悲呀生别离　　乡关路远渐无迹
昨天的脸又浮起　　那是我曾青春的证据
欢莫欢呀重相聚　　岁月路上尘烟起
迷路的人又迟疑　　将那过往收藏在心底

命是一片烟　何处堪凭寄　落地生根根已密
爱是一阵风　忘却人已去呀　盘旋心中多少季

悲莫悲呀生别离　　擦肩的梦长思忆
曾经拥有又失去　　给我欢笑泪水就是你
欢且欢喜终相聚　　轻轻拨开来时雨
总要重回到最初　　才能回忆心碎的相遇

何时风又起---

悲莫悲呀生别离 红尘烟又起
欢且欢喜终相聚 岁月不停息

CALL FOR SPONSORSHIP FOR CALL FOR SUBMISSION

Taking eco-living to the next stage, eco-living should not just be about recycling unwanted material or cutting down on resource usage, but also maximizing the use of "wasted" energies and turn them into useful energies. This call for submission is a step towards a lifestyle which wasted energies may be turned to do useful work.

The Challenge CAT A : To design a room or an entire house that makes use of air movements generated by the movements of its inhabitants during urban-living related activities to naturally collect dust in places in the space that facilitate easy cleaning. The design should reflect how our everyday lives interact with our living spaces through activities that satisfy various needs which are integral to urban living. The design should also reflect manufacturing processes that do not consume any more energy resources than is needed to put together a current-day living space that satisfies the same needs.

The Challenge CAT B : To design an office space that makes use of unwanted heat from machines and radiation in the air to perform tasks that make the office environment more inhabitable. Any new facility introduced should not consume additional energy or resources in its usage. The manufacture of any new facility may consume energy resources up to the amount of energy resources it is able to recycle within a 5-year period. Designs may assume the existence of mass-production facilities for the production of any new equipment needed to create this office space.

日本住久了，好像會忘記全世界的存在

深夜惊醒
梦见泪的温度
妈妈的拥抱

Loneliness is not so unfamiliar as it is difficult;
Difficult because whenever I try to put a name or a face
To the restlessness of my heart,
I come to the frightening conclusion that there is nobody
That I actually miss;

And between busy days,
When I stop to slowly sip my morning coffee
I can't actually remember
Who my best friends were -
Only procedures, patterns, places,
As if I have become a case study for a thesis that is eating up my life.

And yet there is this great sense of being alone,
Like an old monument that has witnessed a city change,
Only to find itself the only familiar view on the landscape,
Its yellowed white hiding under another skin of paint.

Perhaps it is the blessing of a line of kindred spirits
Who had been with me for a little while, and then gone,
(We shall not debate who has outgrown who,)
But now my heart
Will not be satisfied
With anything less than a soul
Similarly burdened,
That it can no longer remember
The faces of even those
Who have bothered to come by
And put moisture to my cracking lips
In a desert of lonely souls.

Here i sit, longing, wanting,
Afraid that the same emptiness that drives me
To want to be wanted by beautiful strangers,
Is the only companion I must learn to live with
Until my heart gives up its beat.

it's amazing how little the country could have changed, given how much it has been engineered in the past 60 years. the trains are still operated by a captian who stops the train, opens the doors and closes them with a control box, rings a bell, and then starts the train. then he announces the train's journey on the PA system. it's all very nostalgic, and very puzzling, yet intriguing, how this country decides which jobs go to people, and which go to machines.

what the mind does to resolve the two "stereo" images that fall on the retina to triangleate them into a 3D visual experience is beyond me. but putting on a new pair of glasses just makes what the mind does even more, mind boggling.

the mind probably has a mega-database of experiences that it aligns information from the senses and attempts reconstruct for us a copy of reality, much like animators make a 3D-model of the world inside the computer. but what impresses me so is the brain's tolerance for error and change. changing specs is like introducing a systematic error to your senses - and amazingly the brain takes care of that. somehow it has a mechanism to "normalise" the newly skewed data and still make sense of it. it's like it doesn't "hardcode" anything. and it's amazingly fast.

amazing that we have brains built-in, ain't it?

e:if meaning in life comes from books, then which came first, meaning or books?
e:^nvm
h:meaning! because there would be no books if there was no meaning to writing them. or at least something along that line
e:ya
e:so reading about the meaning of life is second-hand-knowledge.
e:someone already put into his/her mouth, chewed, and then put it into a bowl.

supper!

play

work

thread the dotted line

Factory Girl

I have been reading about contemporary art, and my brain seems to have been pondering so much over what I have been reading that I even dreamt about art, but it is also my reading that pointed me to this movie Factory Girl.

I had wanted to spend an evening at the museum, but finding nothing worth my time, I turned over to the movies and this seemed to be the only thing I would watch. Just before I entered the cinema, I was somewhat worried that this might have been a hollywood-styled rip-off that wants to talk about the glamorous girl and all, and make it float on Andy Warhol's fame, but was somewhat comforted that it was a pretty small screen, with an even smaller audience.

My worry did not end there - the film started with the grainy desaturated film that many art-house-wannabe films overuse, but it soon became apparent why it was done that way - the film talked a fair bit about Andy's films. And from the beginning on the screen was Edie's beautiful face, charming the audience into the movie.

I found the film very experiential. It showed what glamour was, what popularity was, what fame was, and how flimsy the whole thing was, yet it made me believe that it was worth it all - and I think that is pretty analogous to pop culture.

Andy invited Edie to star in his film, and just before the shooting scene, Andy said on the screen that he didn't usually tell his actors what to do - something puzzling until the next screen rolled in. Five men were supposed to approach a horse sexually, and the horse was angered. Edie just walked into the film, kissed the horse and calmed it. Not telling his actors what to do was pretty much choosing the correct group of people and allowing them to be themselves and respond to one another's dynamisms - putting that on film would allow the audience to experience, as close to firsthand as possible, that same excitement of good dynamics. This says two things - that the superstar is one who, on film, lives on your behalf; and that Andy was really using the lives of people as his canvas. At about that point in the movie, Andy declared that he would stop painting and make movies instead. In this light, this all made much sense.

Reading about Andy and his voyeuristic inclinations makes me think back and realise that the movie did a pretty good job to portray even this - he was always behind the camera, just watching. He had shades on just about all the time, and this seemed to help accentuate the fact that he was there, watching. And whenever Edie felt uncomfortable about something the other participants wanted to do to her, she looked at Andy, making one feel Andy's role in relation to the film - he was always outside, but watching.

Towards the end of the film, there was this particular scene in Edie's room, when she was all broke and just doing all she could to get drugs - soft lens and warm lighting really made the point. She was just giving herself to drugs, her judgement was heavily affected by the drugs, and just allowing anyone to do anything they wanted. The soft lens gave a dreamy and helpless feel to the whole scene, allowing the audience to understand what she was feeling. I thought this was really good cinematography.

I think this film's greatest power lay in how it experientially explained the power of pop culture. There was one scene, just before Edie was "disposed of", where Edie was saying how she had to live in Andy's world - this was when you have sat half way into the film and grown to love the rhythm of pop culture - and this handsome cowboy (Edie's romance interest) came in to tell Edie in her face that all this that she was living for, was not real. I could not help but empathise with Edie, and believe too that this glamorous life was really THE life, but when Mr Cowboy musician came in and told her that she was being made used of by Andy Warhol, it felt so like life, when we are told something that we know is true, and that we will choose to live to regret not listening to that piece of advice.

Just before the final turn of the film, Edie's old friend and admirer appeared and showed her a photograph of her, just before she flew to New York into her high life - and what followed, to me, was really skillful judgement - Edie lept out of the car, and ran. Instead of having her cry and talk about how she regretted everything, she simply, ran. This makes the audience feel her desire for change. And it also allows the movie, to spend more time covering what it should - the life she had been through that led her here.

Perhaps it was my reading on contemporary art that set me in the right mood for this show, but I really think this is worth watching. All the people who need to look good are good looking, those who need the correct cup sizes have the correct cup sizes, and all you need to do is just to sit there, outside, but watching.

digital hypnotiser

Do you pay for your music?

this questions seems to make people get defensive and start to find ways to avoid having to explain why they do not pay for music. yes, i also believe that cds are sold too expensive, but single songs aren't. concluding that the money goes to the industry instead of the artist is like saying that the money for a building design project goes to the firm and not the architect. the very reason someone decides to work for a company, is proof that he needs the company, that there is something he is unable to provide or receive if he went independent.

parallel to this question, is its counterpart,

Do you pay for your software?

some people see this as the same question, but it is essentially different, just as one's decision to buy a refrigerator and to buy a PDA is totally different. not just because these are essentially different products, but the music industry and the software industry work differently.

software has GPL, which has worked thus far, but in a commercial society, people who believe that software should be free are able to make parallels of commercial software and be sure that they will meet real-world needs, but music unfortunately works differently. music, unlike software, is a designer product and not a commodity. no matter how much one believes in free music, making parallels of commercial music will end him up as a copycat. this is because people see the style in music, people believe that a certain music, belongs to a certain person. programming actually works the same - the quality and style of code, can actually be attributed to specific programmers, just as books to writers, but this is not something the common-man can understand.

coming back to music, let's put the question differently.

Do you think the artist would want you to pay for his CD?

yes, most of the money goes no the industry. but cd sales gives the artist power in the industry. it gives him bargaining power so he can get more money to pay for his next jaguar and his girlfriends' Louis Vuittons. just like the company gets most of the money you make for the company, but you still want the company to make as much as it is able to. and whether or not your company is paying you enough, is a different issue altogether.

IRC

watching lines of text
repeating and scrolling across the screen
it's like i'm watching a world
as small as my world now trapped in the room
pass me by
most of the time
it all feels like
the world is an LCD
with everything happening between two glass plates, not in my world;
i would like to think that my world has much more, and it must be somewhere else,
but outside the LCD,
is just me, sitting in front of the damned notebook,
my greatest comfort being my music tracks
programmed not to betray me.

もし生まれつきのすべては、ゲームのように生まれるまえに選択できる設定だったら、自分はいったいなんで今持っているすべての長所、弱点、頭よさ、顔、人種、両親、体の癖、体質、生まれた国などを、選択してセットにしたのか、思い出せますか？

If everything you have in life were like the settings u gave to your character before you started a game, would you still be able to remember why you had chosen your strengths, weaknesses, how intelligent you are, how you look, your race, your parents, your body and everything that you were born with?

僕は少し思い出せたと思う。だけど、設定時想像したのは、決して今の現実ではない。

Maybe I do somewhat remember. But what I must have had in mind back then, cannot be the reality that I am living in today.

世界はインターネットやテレビ放送など通信の発展により根本的に変わり、社会の価値の核心となる世界観もそれにつれて変化する。

The world has changed so much since... and its values has been radically altered by progress in communications technologies.

こんな世界に、今の設定だと、悔しいけど、もう設定済みだから、もうどうしようもない。
だけど、時々、考える。自分の顔のポイントをもっともっとアップしといたら、と。

It makes it painful to think about how i am left to live with settings that no longer match this reality. It makes me wish i could have gone back and edited my settings and gave myself more points for looks.

でもさ、人間は満足できないものだ。人を見たら、すぐそいつの何かがほしくなる。

but then again, humans are simply insatiable.

だけど、何でもあるほど完璧に見える頭がよくて、金持ちで、体質もよくて、格好いい人を見たら、知りたくなるではないか・・・そいつが選択した設定を。

still, when one sees someone incredibly perfect - having the brains, the body, the money, everything, one cannot help but wonder, what he had selected for his character before it all started.

周りの世界は意味がなくなっている
自分の生活も、大人ごっこに見えてくる
何かがほしい欲望なども
友人、仕事、夢も形だけ残っている

一人になった部屋で
今日幸せだった、とも言い切れず
でたらめに書いている詩（うた）をどうやって
終わらせるのかわからないように
今夜も夜更かししてしまいそう

明日も同じ生活が続くだろう
早起きしても期待はない
ただ見飽きた儀式のよう
洗練かつ無感情

Like stray cats
Wanting to be wanted,
Their eyes would look up at you, longingly, if it had not been
For their pride.
Lined down the streets you see them everyday in transit,
Their minds too, somewhere else.
If you gave fish to the cats
They would at least come by and nibble,
And rub their warm bodies against the trunk of your leg, but these
Would pass you by, shuffling along the invisible walls
That separate their worlds from yours.
Why should I be so surprised?
After all, this is the age wireless networks in the air
Can pull continents together, as much as its firewalls
Can put a sea between two rooms.
But I ask myself, what it is, about the city in this age,
That I love so much?
Or is it that, for the lack of imagination,
This has become, to me,
An easier loneliness to bear?

僕は正義の味方だ。でも勘違いするな、僕は決して君の味方ではありません。

いじめられたら助けてあげたいけど、それはいじめる方が悪かったからだけだ。

もし君がいじめる役を選んだら、僕は必ず君の敵になる。

悪く思うな。僕はただ冷静に考え、正しい方の力になるだけだ。

この世界の人間は正と不正に分けられているわけではない、それはわかってる。

仲間だって、正の一面があれば、不正な一面もある。

なんにしろ、正と不正の定義自体も、あいまいになりつつある。

でも僕は、僕こそが正義だ、とあえて考えたくはない。

とすると、誰が正と不正を定義するだろうか。

それはわからない。わかるのは、孤独感だけだ。

無条件で仲間を選ぶことができない僕には、仲間という意味がよくわからないからだ。

そう、僕自分もしょっちゅう不正な一面を見せてしまう。

その時の僕は、だれの味方でもありません。

そんな時は、ほうっといてほしい。

時間がたったら治るから。

もう一度正義の味方の顔つきになったらまた声をかけてください。

しかし、今の僕は、正義の味方の顔つきどころか、時間の味方の顔つきをしているだろう。

顔に刻んだ時間の流れ。

心に染まった永遠まで伸びるこの一瞬の色。

終わりがるような終わりがないような、

始まりがあるような、始まりがないような透明な客観的さ。

それは雨の点滴と同じ色をしている。

苦しみの涙と喜びの涙も、そして悲しみの涙も、
同じ色をするだろう。

average joe

yo yo horny joe
bend your waist n touch your toes
yo yo fucker jane
get ur strapon get in game

here we sing our happy song
morning loud and evening strong
hey hey i wanna play
here comes jimmy jack and james
no no i want my turn
on the butt'n let me paint
oh oh we're running high into my blue V paradise
say say who lost her way? let me come over don't be shy
put ya hand onto my steering
work it good into my gearing
here here we're getting started
hop on 'n ride; i love those thighs!

yes yes we're coming fast
onto the highway make it last!
forget the siren skip the toll,
relax and do as you are told
check ya belts we'll play it safe -
duncha wanna ride again?
come baby on ya face
i see that eager smile at me
i know u wannit say u wannit
here we go!

yo yo average joe
bend your knees and fold your legs
didya hear what i just said?
whats with that smirk what's in ya head?
oh.

i would imagine that once upon a time, when the family put their hands to the fields, that life would have been centred around the field - seeding time, rainy season, harvest, and festivals and social life would be built around all this. a time when social life was indistinguishable from work, and work was inseparable from religion, and religion was part of life, and everyone was part of everything.

i don't know if life would have been auto-pilot back then, but this i am sure - after so many years of urbanisation, many of us have not yet come to terms with work. we have pigeonholed everything and isolated the different parts of our lives, such that work and "life" are as separate as the Math period is from PE lesson in school. the bell rings, and we switch modes.

has it become so hard to integrate work into our lives, and be completely satisfied with it, feeling the same satisfaction a farmer gets when he sees his fields golden?

i don't know. but i think, maybe what i want most at this point of my life, is somehow to have a job that i can call my life.

test everything. trust only as much as you are willing to lose. hold dear the things that matter, but also be ready to lose everything, including yourself, because somewhere down the road, we all lose ourselves sometimes. when you can no longer see the things that used to define the person you are, reinvent. "redo from start" is an error message, but also good advice. it is sad, when people decide to kill themselves when they can no longer face the world without the things around them that used to remind them who they are. if there's a "true" you inside, then you cannot find yourself better than when you have lost everything that you can lose, and are left with that which you cannot. move on. life and time are a couple, and time does not look back. if something wasted your life, spending any more time on it would further be a waste of your life. let go. let go of the past, then you will be able to take hold of the future as it becomes the present. life is always in the present moment. lose it and lose everything. but remember, don't panic. DON'T PANIC. panic is your worst enemy that is always seeking to eat up every present moment you were born to enjoy. enjoying life is not a right. nobody will give it to you, and you can't fight for it. don't complain to the waiter that you didn't enjoy your soup. you just have to learn to do it. and to do it well, in any situation. and when you have mastered that, life would seem easy. some might see you as a loser, some a winner, but why bother, when you have enjoyed every bit of it?

色即空：空即色。

the abstraction gives birth to the instance, and the instance is exactly like the abstraction. you cannot see the instance, but you can know it is alive. you can see the form of the abstraction, but it is not alive. so which has more form, the instance or the abstraction?

just like the runtime is the program, the source code is the program, the binary is the program, but the source code is not the binary, and the binary is not the runtime.

that's why computing to me is both philosophy and engineering.

万物の
リズム読めれば
壁はなし

the easy solution to having too many icons on the desktop. use this wallpaper.

Abstraction n., 3. the process of formulating general concepts by abstracting common properties of instances (WordNet)

Abstraction must be the greatest achievement and sin into which the whole history of civilization has cumulated into. One professor once told me that it is the essence of computing. It must also be the motivation of mathematics. It tries to give one answer to all questions. If art were a lie that told the truth, abstraction, would be the truth that told lies.

I was listening to the BBC, they were airing a program on colour. And it made me realize that the whole spectrum of colours that we take for granted, choosing the colour of anything we like, once upon a time, were not given equal treatment, simply because, it was technically harder to make some dyes. Blue was once a big deal, cos it had few sources - indigo and lapis. Now it has become just another colour on the palette. We have drawn all the colours so close and given them equal treatment that we forget the truth behind them. We give ourselves the power to choose equally, but forgot the passion behind these choices.

Maybe you would understand better if I speak of the Internet. The Internet has abstracted the physical world, making distance inconsequential, reshaping the whole world into a different logical structure, one governed by numbers rather than by physical location. .com sites often redirect us servers in our own locality but we wouldn't care less (those manning the servers would, because less physical distance actually means less internet traffic and therefore higher overall performance for all their servers). But when main gateways (servers) in and out of the country gets hit by disaster, we start feeling the reality that sits under the 6 networking layers (network technology has a well-known OSI 7-layer abstraction that attempts to provide a platform where software can talk to one another without having to bother about physical location) that are so effective in making the world appear nearer.

So what is the problem, really? Abstraction is like specialization. It attempts to provide a common platform on which all issues within a known domain can be addressed easily. Which also means that, when it has become easy to deal with issues within a known domain, consistent exposure to a high volume of issues, alienate you from these issues, the way a worker in a diamond factory sometimes starts to forget what exactly is so great about these stones or <<insert your own analogy here>>.

Ok, put it in another way. If you have abstracted (ie, formularised) a method that can bring any group out there onto a top selling band on the music charts, it wouldn't matter anymore who the band were. Passion wouldn't matter anymore. It is simply machinery.

Yes, machinery is what we want, to get the nitty gritty details of life out of the way, so we can spend our lives doing better things. That's why Abstraction, to me is such a great achievement. It allows us not to have to think about how to extract oil to cook, walk through jungles and rough terrain when we travel, make clothes, but just be able to have the choices in front of us: what we want to have, where we want to go. But hey brother, you forgot all this nitty gritty detail shit, is life. In another words, abstraction alienates us from life itself. As much as we have decided that all these troublesome parts of life is a chore and thereafter figured out how to get over and done with it, we have also gotten rid of all these small bits of life from which we would have had the greatest chance to learn what it takes, to be happy. I think that's what fishing and evening walks are all about. Although I've never been fishing.

The "simple life" you see in movies is never so far away if you start realizing the lowest common denominator of life, and start enjoying every bit of it, like crushed nuts in a bar of chocolate. I used to hate nuts in my chocolates. But now I like them everywhere.

Well, next time you need to run an errand to wherever it is, for whatever reason, for whoever... be happy.

咲き誇り
疲れた夜は
花も寝る

In their passing,
They are always great;
As if we now understand
What mountains had burdened our dear ones that have made them
Socially incompatible with us.
We honour the moment
The news is spoken
Our lips and ears
Respecting that space of silence that follows
Allowing it to somehow summarise within us
The length of years of their rising and falling
Into a single moment of forgiveness.
We know that tomorrow,
We will be giving speeches about how great he had been
In our lives,
Now that he's gone,
And then in a few hours,
Return him to the air and the sea.

music... makes me believe that something like magic does exist. music makers are like faith healers. funny how energy waves entering your ears can make you feel relaxed and the energized. if you're looking for healing music here's my current listening tracks:

森山直太郎　 －　風待ち交差点
Mr Children - HOME

Went swimming and realised that most of the better swimmers are locals. Is it:

(1) Foreigners think swimming as a past-time instead of a sport so more foreigners who don't really swim visit the pool than locals who think swimming is a sport?

(2) Locals really made full use of the swimming facilities and thus more locals can swim than foreigners?

(3) Locals who don't really swim have better things to do than soaking in water?

(4) There are just more locals than foreigners who go to the pool anyway?

eddie is not a collection of habits;
   more like a philosophy.
but eddie is not a philosophy;
   more like a framework of thought that can hold philosophy.
but eddie is then again not just one framework;
   but more like a collection of frameworks holding together thoughts that almost disagree and thoughts that disagree.
but eddie is not really, a framework;
   but also all the varied bits of thoughts scattered all over that give form to this framework.
but eddie cannot be just a collection of thoughts;
   but the invisible laws that make sense of all their apparant randomness.
but eddie is not just a set of laws;
   but a set of laws so much part of being that it's almost habit.

But eddie is not a collection of habits. oops.
Let's try this again.

Starbucks Beijing
Starbucks KL
Starbucks Yokohama
Starbucks Hong Kong
Starbucks Singapore
Starbucks Osaka

そして、今日Starbucks Dalian。

と考えると、心強い。同じ値段すら払ったら、同じ環境、同じサービス、同じ味、同じ落ち着きが味わえる。でもよ～く考えると、アジアばかりやけど、こんな時はアメリカに感謝したくなる。アメリカの極力なコーヒーカルチャーの世界への進出は、まるで国際人的生活そのものだ。アメリカ文化＝国際文化とは考えたくないけど、今日はStarbucksがあってよかった。

Once upon a time when Malaysia money was as big as Singapore money...

大当たり
イカなるうまみ
冬の味

仕事後大阪の同僚と事務所の近所でおいしそうなところをさがして、とりあえずここに入ろうと思ってたどころか、大当たりで、凄くおいしかった。普段口に入れたら吐きそうになるイカも想像できなかったほどおいしく、たくさんいただきました。寒くて忙しかった冬の出張の最中こんな味と出会えて、いくら頑張ってもかまわない程に幸せだった。

Suddenly, at twenty eight,
I have seven days to turning twenty-nine
And I have been in Asia and going to all the same places
I have seen so little of the world.

Suddenly at twenty eight,
My parents seem to have decided to age
Mum looks much older, so suddenly,
Was it because I made her worry too much last year?

Suddenly at twenty-eight,
I realise I don't make enough for retirement
And have no idea how people manage to save so much
They can stop working at sixty.

Suddenly at twenty-eight,
I wonder when I can step out of this country
Into that country I had been wanting to live in _
from the time I was a child
And I wonder if everyone will be alright when I leave them behind.

Suddenly at twenty-eight,
I realise how time is running out everyday
I ought to be giving myself more truly to my God
But I still can't seem to get sorted out.

Suddenly at twenty-eight,
I realise again I don't hold the future in my hands
I still dream
And everyday still feels as endless as school.

Suddenly at twenty-eight,
I could just die too,
But I don't know which would rest me better,
Leaving those I leave behind having them
Having had or not having had enough of me.

Suddenly at twenty-eight,
I don't want to turn twenty-nine,
But nothing in this world can stand forever,
And no, I shan't be left behind and still be writing this next year.

food for the body, the body for the sport, the sport for the mind, the mind for the art of life...

or did you get it the other way round?

修行は何のためですか？

と、一度剣道の先生に聞いた。しかし返された答えは、「修行のためです」だけ。そんな回答に満足できるはずもなく、ずっと気になっていた。今の僕にはわかった。これが修行の真意です：

　　ありのままの人生のすべたは、修行でありながら、
　　　　　　あらゆるの修行は、おもいがままの人生が過ごせるようになるためである。

これは無意味な循環ではない。「おもいがまま」の人生は、もし手に入れられても、ずっと続けられるものではない。何かの成功を収めれば、その後も同じように成功していくのはああいう簡単な事ではない。人間的に進化しなければ、何かを身につけなければ、できない。一回目の成功は、多分努力次第ですが、次々との成功なら、「自然体」の磨きが必要だ。成功なら、成功しかできない自然体を身につける必要がある。そしてその「自然体」を磨くのは、まさに修行である。

一年以上かけて水泳の一大成果です。泳ぐとき、スムーズに進みたければ、綺麗な姿勢が必要です。しかし、その綺麗な姿勢を身につけるには、日頃泳ぐとき、必死に綺麗な姿勢を保ちながら泳ぐトレーニングが必要です。

もう一つの意味がある。それは、人生は決してすべてを予想できる直線のような方程式ではない。しかし、その予想の付かない人生を、生きたいように生きていくには、なにかの力が必要です。どんなときにも、生きたいように生きられる力は、それは上記の「自然体」の強さです。

あなたの自然体を、どこまで維持できますか？

i think american/singapore/wadeva idol sucks.

the truth is that the media moulds us as much as we make the media. and if we put bitches on TV, that's what our children will become. is that what we really want?

we all know that everything on tv is make-believe. yes, it is true that the recording music world is full of bitches and the road to success is arduous and bitter, but isn't trying to duplicate that on the screen a little too simplistic? it's the same thing what all the survival/reality shows are doing. make-believe. so you can't succeed out there. so let's give you a chance to belive that you can make it here. ok, sure, some do make it. but at what price?

i think we have enough bitches around. and i don't think i want our future generation to be some low-class bitch that only knows how to critisize people in front of them. they've gotta learn some humility, some patience, some forgiveness. true, sometimes, some people just need some truth shouted in their face for them to improve. but most people, for most of the time, just need someone to encourge them, and to believe that they can make it - and if you believe in them enough, many of them do.

american tv sucks.

今日は大変幸せだった。散歩ができて、幸せだった。

僕にとっての幸せはね、大変簡単なものだ。簡単すぎたかもしれない。それは、風の効くいい天気に、ＭＰ３の入った携帯、一人での散歩。音楽のリズムと風の涼しさと僕のリズムと周りの景色や音のリズムが重なり合うとき、なんだか映画みたいに美しく、それだけ感じたら、僕はつい笑ってしまう。一人でいてもそんなに幸せなんて、想像できないでしょう。いいえ、これは一人でできる幸せではない。音楽を作った人たち、仕事が順調に進んでいるように支えてくれた人たち、町を作った人たちも、その幸せの為に努力してくれた。でも、こんな幸せを感じるには、一人にいて、周りのことをいちいち気づくのが大切なんだ。

そう、気づけば、一人で雨を見るだけでも十分に幸せだ。複雑なことではないけど、簡単すぎて、おそらくできない人もいるでしょう。でも僕にとって、人生の一番幸せな時は、そういうようにすごせた時間だった。別に人と付き合うのがいやではないけど、僕にとって、人といる時間より、自分でいる時間の方が大切、かな。

Sitting here by the window
With the company of the sound of the rain
There must be something about this moment that makes it feel
Like poetry
Without having to break lines
Without rhyme or meter.
It must be how simple it all is
That has made it a little profound.
When i lean my cheek to the window grill,
I can feel the breeze brushing by.
I don't know how else to put it,
But for this moment, everything feels complete,
Like the rain, the breeze and i were all that existed
And we were each a stanza in a poem,
Conversing.

work

I was bored...



not great but ah well... was bored.

the abc's of doodling...

5/6 of the lifts were not operating today, and there were 4 camps of people:

(A) Those waiting at the first floor queueing to get into the lift.
(B) Those deciding to get some other errands done first before coming back.
(C) Those who decided they will take the stairs.
(D) Those who take the stairs up in order to take the lift down and up again.

Naturally my problem-solving job hazard cum second nature made me take (D) without even thinking.

Anyway, made me think about time/cost living in the city again. Lifts fold land and time - pretty much like a space warp. It makes it feasible to support the city growth beyond a 1:1 vertical density while keeping the amount of time required to access this new space reasonable. Which is to say, if there were no lifts and land were still that expensive... we'd probably taking perhaps the first (and last) 1/2 or 1 h of our working day, walking up stairs... Considering the price of professional time, this is no small saving!

Makes me feel once again that the dimensions of city life are so different from non-city living. The numbers work differently. But when we're in it, we don't even realise.

I must have told you before
That if you walk that quickly
Expecting me to catch up, to find you,
I would, one day, just stand there
And let you go.
I guess this is that morning I am left behind with my
Broken pieces I have to pick up and go on
My own journey, apart from yours, and I'm sure
You have your own broken pieces too, that you
Pile high, like a tower of treasure you peer over
To see, at one time, only me.
Yes, I am honoured that at one time
I was the only thing you looked at;
But it is tiring, as much as I have been draining for you,
That I have to look over that tour of pride
To really see your face.
You are pretty,
But it was not your pretty face that deserved me -
It was something all the way deeper inside, that I knew
Can shine like a star. That is how I see you -
You have shown me its glitter -
But you have built a labyrinth around it,
And hidden away the very gem that makes you precious.
You closed your doors again - but this time
I'm too tired to scale your walls
To find again that precious gem
You have hidden too deep in.

did this quite some time ago...
it's pinned up on my notice board currently.

why must love
in all its gentleness
when it stretches out its hand, offer both
to be hurt, 
            and to hurt?
that as much as
we bare ourselves, our weaknesses to our beloved,
willing and ready
to suffer any pain to see our loved one smile,
sometimes,
we make them cry inside - 
sometimes so badly
we can almost see the fresh wound
that will dry into another rough scar
on a heart that for a little time,
in our arms, 
soft and warm, 
beat so gently in its rest?

first time doing this on a computer.

orange doodling

I don't look at you too much
But more and more, like an athlete who steps up his_
_training sessions before a competition, 
I slow down to imagine what it would be like
        When I'm alone at night, or when
        You're out or when I am,
If you should be suddenly gone one day -

Would I break down to cry,
Or would I find myself already too ready
To accept that this is part of the whole scheme of things?
For in my life you have been like a door,
An open one at times, and
A closed one at times, and at times
I wished that the door were gone and I could go out and play;

But this is one of those mornings
I can imagine that irreconcilable chasm
That would inevitably stand between you and me like the Night 
Between Yesterday and Today. When I wake up, I would lean_ 
_against the wall
Cold from the night, recalling
What I was like yesterday, trying to warm myself_
_with the same blood
That flowed in my veins the day before, and the distance,_
_I know,
Would hit me. 

        And I would feel within my arms
The arms that were shorter and fingers less deft,
Still alive and wanting to reach out and run into your embrace
To hear you say that I have done well
        even though my best no longer seems good enough 
        for the world around me
And I would bring to memory those precious scenes
When you stood beside me in front of the whole school on_
_Prize Giving Day
Proud that I have been your son.

Yet, when I saw you in the morning,
I didn't know what to say to you.
I simply let the day lead me into itself,
Walking into the distance knowing well that one day_
_when I turned around
You would not be there.

Sorry, can't do my linebreaks properly here :|
"_" at the end of the line indicates no line break!

think about doors that open by themselves, as if they were alive. think about rooms that can become cold in the day and boxes that light up. think about boxes that can make voices come out of nowhere. think about the energy delivered into our homes, as if from nowhere. think about the power plants that generate all this power. think about the fossil fuels that burn to release the energy to drive power plants. think about the lives that used to be in the fossiles that now burn to work for us, as if their ghosts have been called back to life into slavery to our urban fetishes. is this not the city, where the living and the dead live together? is this not the city where the dead still live in their death and those alive are dead in their living?

nothing comes from nothing. if the fan can move by itself, surely something, someone must have poured its energy into it. it's just so immense, the amount of energy we release. sometimes i think that all this energy running around is really the ghosts of the past, that all urbanisation must necessary suck the life out of someone or something in order to run itself.

think about outsourcing. think about how little we pay those workers out there to maintain our margins over here. think about how little Singapore pays foreign construction workers to build its prosperity.

if we found stupid aliens on mars, we'd probably bring them back to work in factories for us as well.

Imagine a pill...

that would be the fruit of Genetics, Nano Technology and Biotechnology, that when swallowed, would go into your system and find its way around your body, using the protein that it finds around to build components required for more complex genetic computations, planting the appropriate components in specific parts of the body, and finally finding its way to the brain, planting its sensory components there to receive instruction from the brain.

Imagine that this system could capture images in the retina and save them or send them out to external systems, giving you a kind of printable photographic memory that obseletes the camera, taking advantage of the eyes which are by far more perfect nearer perfection that any lens possible.

Imagine being able to authenticate your identity in a way that allows you to go shopping without having to bring even a card. You just take what you what and go home.

Imagine being able to access information without a compture or a phone or anything, knowing all, yet not knowing anything.

Imagine messaging in your head, being telepathically connected to the world.

Imagine being able to move from country to country without needing a passport.

Imagine having to swallow a second pill because there were some problems with the first.

Imagine the pill to have some bugs and you go into security alert.

Imagine someone hacking into you and you are screwed because you stored too many important things not in your brain, but in the system inside your brain.

Imagine being able to do your work suntanning on a resort island and nobody knows you are in your swimming trunks.

Imagine getting paid for renting out five minutes of your brain a day.

Imagine being able to learn anything so quickly that people really realise the value of the journey.

Imagine how work and leisure fuse so readily it becomes ever more important to learn how work could be enjoyable, and that work is an inevitable part of life.

Imagine a different pill that is able to uninstall all this.

So, would you rather the blue pill or the red pill?

Swimming fees

Give me a chance to live
A place to be
Just by myself, to decide
What I want to do and set out
To do it. A space
To laugh, to run, to fly,
Swim and skateboard,
Just as I like it, not having to
Report anything to anybody.
Give me some space
And I'll show you that I can live just as well
Offline.

もしこの世界に
僕一人だけが
残されたとも
僕には孤独さ
感じたりはしない
この人生を歩み続ける

高く広がる夜空さえ
もったいないほどに
僕を見守ってくれるだろう
そして朝目覚めたら
迎えてくれる日々は
想像もつかないほどの
慣れきった日常さ

no more gymmers, please. because gyms don't make hunks. all these gyms around here are just churning out these strange people, with the body of a construction worker and the personality of a mouse. it's just distasteful, like pop songs getting sung by an opera singer. it's just painful.

if u wanna be a hunk, start from your personality. so that when you get that body working, you know how to handle it, and so that behind those huge chests, you also have an equally big heart to match up to it. because, because, the size of your personality matters.

Thought this was interesting. An exhibition at Tokyo featuring 116 life-sized panels of persons who had passed away in accidents and crimes, including those of children and of those who lost their lives to drunk drivers. The driving message of the exhibition was "life", and the panels featured articles such as photographs and shoes that belonged to the deceased, as well as messages written by the bereaved. In a time when Japan experiences so many murders and deaths, it was only timely that such an exhibition remind us again of how precious life is, and how much more we need to address crimes and accidents as very urgent social problems.

Original text: 生命のメッセージ展 始まる

energy, rhythm and line

is what i have learnt from swimming, and is my current analogy for everything around me. refraining from writing long essays that give examples and then explain these examples, here's the heart of it all:

[energy - callibre]
energy to me, is the deep capacity for action. energy does not determine what you do or how much of it you can do, but rather, at what level you can do it. it is the substance that is consumed in action, the wax that is burnt to give light.

[rhythm - heartbeat]
rhythm is the consistency at which you can do things. in the short term, this is how regular you are to perform. it is the dynamism on a microscopic level that paces you to look forward.

[line - imagination]
it would be tempting to use the word "vision" but i thought "imagination" is less assuming. line is the process that pictures the present, imagines the future, and manifests this imagination in the physical world. this was my last addition to the set, when my freestyle somehow wasn't moving. line is what makes you move. line gives you the big picture that allows you to pace your rhythm.

That's all. There would be many things that flow from this analogy... but that would be another lesson.

my take on internet censorship

barring physical distance and network infrastructure that gives rise to poor connection, the internet has no definite boundaries.

yes, there are administrative boundaries, that can control how and to whom information can go out from private servers, but controlling what your users can access, on a nation-wide level, is quite a different matter.

on private networks, it is feasible, common and fair to implement proxies through which all traffic must be filtered, since such networks are relatively small (usually only up to a few thousand machines) and usually all the servers and often most of the clients as well, are completely owned by an organisation.

on a nation-wide network, however, users are connected through backbone lines to the internet. information is not just freely accessible, but overflowing. The practicals:

1. for gateways that filter on domains, a trivial workaround would be accessing content via public gateways. gone to china, done that.

2. for gateways that filter on content, encrypted traffice via a know foreign server would do the trick.

3. if you're looking for pure content, you could always try another language.

4. you could always get your friend overseas to keep you updated. if you don't have one, you could always find one on some chat server, forum, community, IM or dating site.

5. enforcing policies on local content providers does not mean that similar content is not available. uses will find it on foreign servers. unless you can shut the whole america down...

6. some countries have export laws surrounding software. but always, someone out there writes something similar and gives it away for free, from a server sitting in a country that doesn't have such laws. i still think it stupid to have a law that dictates whether you can send software out of a country purely based on the fact that the software was written while in a certain country. anyway, the link is usually there and you just have to click "OK"...

the principles:

1. the whole concept of the internet sits on the abstraction of physical connections. this is philosophically in disagreement with trying to enforce physically-based policies.

2. the internet is full of redundant links. meaning that if you close down one link (ie, filter at a gateway), chances are there are other links to the content.

3. search engines cache content. even if a content has been taken down, it is possible that a cache of it is available.

4. because we do commercial transactions on the net, we need encryption to work. the same encryption can let us tunnel through forign proxies and get to the content we want without the scrutinity of censoring proxies.

5. the internet is a world totally different from the physical world. the whole (yes, 100% of it) internet is made by hackers, not by policy makers. hackers made it work beyond physical and political boundaries and policy makers cannot change that. if there were any rules or laws in this world, their enforcement and implementation would have to be as profoundly different as the internet is different from freight routes.

6. people who grew up with the internet create a different social atmosphere. we need to remember how piracy actually drives sales through free marketing and customer education, and work from there. in the real world, theft leads to loss of profit. but when you step into the software world, everything is about knowledge. and it is knowledge that drives the hunger for greater knowledge. the only real reason people want to protect their trade in knowledge, i believe, is because they are not confident of growing faster than their customers to continuously attain a greater capacitiy to provide even more knowledge. ridiculous sales margins claiming to retrieve previous investments in research, at the end of the day, i believe, contributes to social stress. and i think the stress is building up - no longer between the workers and the beauracrary, but between knowledege workers who are scattered all over, including within the beauracrary, and the managers, sales people and politicians, whose sole purpose in this all is to reap as much unbelievable profit as they can. the difference is this - the beauracry used to own all the facilities in which workers can create something of value that can be sold by the beauracracy for money or power, but now, the worker owns all of this. in fact, the worker himself, is the facility from which all value flows. admitedly, the greed and selfishness of people will never change. but a new social order where the knowledge workers hold not just knowledge but also the ability to implement policies and managers have the authority but not the means to put their policies across, it would be interesting to see how they would evolve. as knowledge economies become more specialised and workers become more highly skilled and self-sufficient while markets becoming more discerning, the power game i think, would take on a new dimension. in such a world, the top-down approach to internet censorship is simply strange.

7. the reason we are starting to have social problems arising from the use of the internet, i believe, is not because we are not controlling the medium strictly enough, but because the policy makers have not come to terms with its nature. social response all these problems are signs that the old order is losing ground and a new balance has not been achived. i think policy makers need to change their approach to the internet and cosider it part of the social fabric in order to make policies that will work. but this might take a generation, when those who grew up with the internet become policy makers.

well, give and take, that's my take. might not be yours, for now, but let's just wait and see.

Corporate folder design. Inspired by teardrop patterns on traces found on printed circuit boards.

Feb 11's motive.

stuck in the office
nowhere to go
no place to be
just myself
away from everything
                    what people think i am
      supposed to be


                            stale
everywhere i breathe in the       air
breathed on me
and now i just don't want to be
anything at all. i hate it that i used to be
such a good kid
that all these suckers around me are now putting chains around me
to keep me 
the way i was; i hate it that i had not wasted all that energy
fighting parents that think i'll never learn to decide
what to do 
 
             next!


why does the world seem that bad when it is just one person
maybe two
who haven't learnt to love enough to let go?

今日は自信がない作品ですが、どう思ってくれるでしょうか。
Don't have confidence in this one, but wonder what you guys think?


自信がない作品を見せて、ごめんね！
ご期待のFeb11のものは用意中ですので、もう少しお待ちください！
The one based on Feb 11 draft is still underway, so give me a bit more time!

None but one friend seems to appreciate this one, but I don't care I'm doing it up anyway cos I like it!

Draft 2.

Okay, after leaving this alone for some time, finally got it touched up.

朝起きたら、ちゃんと鏡でご自分の顔、髪型をチェックしますか？チャックしなきゃいけないのよ。時間がないから、これでいいじゃといったらだめだ。朝鏡でみる自分は、一日の気分を影響するから。

人間は常に鏡で読み取った自分をイメージしながら生きていくのだ。

鏡であるような人を見たら、その人になるのだ。だから、朝鏡で自分を見ているのは、芝居の脚本を読むのと同じ。今日起きたら、この役に当たった。こんな顔のやつなら、こんな人生を過ごすべきですね、と。本当の格好よさは、人が見るものではなく、自分が見たものだ。だから、明日も、ちゃんと鏡を見ていて、この人になりたい、といっていてね！

言葉は
感情的で、
残酷で、
時に無力だ。

それでも
私たちは信じている、
言葉のチカラを。

Words are so emotional, so cruel, and at times, so feeble.
Still, we choose to deliver that power of words in which we believe.

とは、電車でみた朝日新聞「ジャーナリスト宣言」キャンペーンのキャッチコピー。なんて力強いと思う。ジャーナリズムの原点に戻す言葉だ。そして人間の生きる勇気を呼び出す言葉。信じていることを言う。信じている生き方で生きる。僕は僕らしく生きていけばいい。すばらしい言葉だと思う。人生を改めて、信じましょう。

I love these words from Asahi Shinbun's "Journalists' Declaration" compaign. Full of power, even returning journalism to its roots and calling forth the courage to live. The strength to speak one's mind, and to live the life that one believes in. To live just as one is. Despite all that is happening around us, it calls us to believe afresh, in life itself. Do not go gently into that good night / Fight, fight against the dying of the light!

time freezes at airports. it's funny, because it is exactly because everying is timed to the minute that time is frozen there. flights come in and go out all the time. and the florescent lighting doesn't give you a clue whether the sun was up outside. people of all races walk around you, some sitting around, as if waiting for eternity to begin, sometimes rushing like fish shooting themsleves at a floating bait. it is like the gears in a clockwork, that, by precisely being the mechanism on which time is built, alienates itself from the substance of time. the gears rotate, and maybe some arms move, but inside the clock, twelve midnight is just as well as any second that gives way to the next eternity. Four flights in five days, and my time stil hasn't seem to have thawed.

mascular memory

amazing. i'm at the airport and tried logging into the public teminals with my password... and suddenly i couldn't log in... panicked and wondered what happened overnight because i had just logged in the night before... sat down with my notebook plugged into the free ports and tried and tried... until i tried logging into an account i log in everyday and my fingers just did it...

passwords are mascular conditioning, i tell you... your fingers remember them better than you do... give them a chance!

「ほたるの墓」を見てきた。よく頑張ってきたな、日本人は。戦争の時の辛さが映画中でしみじみに描かれ、戦争の世界の幻のような、現実のような生と死。そして、大自然がその苦しんでいる人たちを支えてあげていること。家族というもの。愛する人との別れ。苦しんでいる子供の辛抱。生活の選び方。心の中に隠すなくなった人に対しての思い出。人生の希望。

いっぱいいっぱい描いてくれたね、宮崎せんせい。ありがとう。

it's been raining the whole day today, and it's still raining. love rains, and today it rained the kind of rain i love. i love rains because, unless we live underground, it is one thing that remains that still connects the city back to nature. i love rains, because when it rains, the whole land is at rest.

today's rain was particularly restful. big fat soft raindrops breaking on drooping leaves and the hungry earth. even the wind was still. and even my eyes wanted to close, calling me to lie down and slow myself down to the rhythm of the earth and join it in its rest.

maybe it's just the too many agendas and too many appointments that we have that we forget how we ought have lay down and let life take its pace. surely, a rain this pretty coudln't have been an inconvenience?

internationalisation vs evolution

i would suppose that the creation (c) of information has at least two factors: the way we think (f), and the information around us we are exposed to (i). That means something like this:

f:i -> c

this means that to maximise c, we will need to maixmise both the range of i and the size of the function class of f. this has two implications:

(1) information needs to be shared as widely as possible
(2) the way we think need to be as varied as possible

which IMHO are somewhat contrary to each other, in the sense that, to achieve (1), we need to branch out and internationalise our horizons; but globalisation inevitably brings in some degree of homogenisation, which does not agree with (2). It is then the challenge for every knowledge economy to absorb the world's wealth of information, and somehow, choose not to conform. Only then can it become and remain a creator of information instead of being a receipient.

some countries have done well in this, others haven't. Those that do well, do a lot for themselves - not just because information sells, but i think this has a lot more to do with identity. or at least attitude - because they have seen the great wealth of information out there, yet for some reason, chosen not to give up their own set of thinking frameworks. only then would their thinking be given a chance, to evolve.

i have come to believe quite a bit in human evolution. not the darwinian one, but rather evolution as opposed to revolution. i think people change in two ways - they either change so that they can make their surroundings suit them, or they change so that they will suit their surroundings. while changing one's surrounding sounds heroic and all, one must remain powerful enough to drive all this change, and to continue driving it; on the other hand, changing oneself to suit his surroundings requires that the practioner remain flexible enough to continue adapting. the advantage here, though, is that even when you're up against someone who is adapting in a direction different than you, you are still used to adapting to your surroundings - but one who must drive change, must drive others out of their change as well. if you're up against the world, that could be quite a big drive you will need.

the difficult thing about human evolution, though, is in adapting constructively. that means, every change should add to, and not remove, adaptability. and this, as you can imagine, can be quite a complex problem with no standard answer. but this is what makes it worth its while - when everyone evolves independantly, everyone would represent an isolated ecosystem of information. and this is what i mean by maixmising (f), the way we think.

we need to make our surroundings a self-sufficient ecosystem of information. if you americanise too much, you would lose some of your thought-identity. you would become american. but surely, there's always more than one way to do things. live, and let live.

お正月
教会だけは
行きました

大晦日
泳ぎに行こう
行こうかな

Not that I know the origin of this typeface, but IMHO, this is the worst accident in typography and a blatant display of an ignorance of asian culture.

To start with, what analogy is it using to make its reference to asian culture? Which asian culture uses a cuneiform writing instrument? I can only find two possible conclusions:

1. The motive is actually cut bamboo leaves
2. The motive represents the slitty eyes that are typical of asians

In the case of (2), I would find it an insult. In the case of (1), if bamboo leaves were an important motive, then why don't I see native asian fonts using much of it?

Someone must have gotten something wrong somewhere.

the meaning of "publishing" or "publication" is lost on this generation, and it's all the Internet's fault. the Internet is like an abstraction layer between the "physical world" and the "logical world". not that the logical world is ideal or anything, but what it does do, is remove the physical (aka real-world) boundaries from eye. at this point, in 2005/6, when Internet is at most gigabit for the everyday user, experienced users can still notice the difference between a server in USA and a server in Japan, but let's just say this is a temporary technial problem that will be gone by 2010.

my point is this - that the difference between a blog and a diary, is summed up in the world "publish". where a diary is a personal record, for one to find one's own tracks, a blog is a published statement, one's offerring to the world. but nowadays, people write about their private thoughts online as if it made no difference. maybe it really makes no difference to them - but maybe too, that it's not that they want their private lives to be examined, but that, they want a space to shout. to shout back at the world that has pushed them into little cubicles and pigeon holes. it is the peasant living in us, trying to throw stones at the palace walls of a tyrannical king.

so much for civilisation and industrialisation. every year, i come back to the same conclusion - that the world hasn't changed much since prehistory.

anyway, this entry has been sponsored by my new dairy. Proceeds from clicking-through will go to NKF.

現実から逃避しようとはしていない。でも本当に手にしたいものは、もう何かをしたらもらえるものではない。買えるものなら、買ったらいい。見えるものなら見たらいい。わかるものならわかったらいい。でも僕に欲しいものは、「なる」ものだ。顔だけじゃなく、人間そのものを変えたい。前も言ったが、「無駄のない人間」になりたい。いろんな人のいろんな性格の一部を自分の中に取り込みたい。「似ているもの」ではなく、本物になりたいんだ。そんな術、そんな技、どこから習えるのかな。そ、そう。人間ステムセルになりたいです。無限なポテンシャルを秘める存在。それが、僕の生きる駆動力となっている。

だから、僕の道は違うんだ。その道を先に歩んだ先輩、僕にもその道を教えてください・・・