Went swimming and realised that most of the better swimmers are locals. Is it:

(1) Foreigners think swimming as a past-time instead of a sport so more foreigners who don't really swim visit the pool than locals who think swimming is a sport?

(2) Locals really made full use of the swimming facilities and thus more locals can swim than foreigners?

(3) Locals who don't really swim have better things to do than soaking in water?

(4) There are just more locals than foreigners who go to the pool anyway?

eddie is not a collection of habits;
   more like a philosophy.
but eddie is not a philosophy;
   more like a framework of thought that can hold philosophy.
but eddie is then again not just one framework;
   but more like a collection of frameworks holding together thoughts that almost disagree and thoughts that disagree.
but eddie is not really, a framework;
   but also all the varied bits of thoughts scattered all over that give form to this framework.
but eddie cannot be just a collection of thoughts;
   but the invisible laws that make sense of all their apparant randomness.
but eddie is not just a set of laws;
   but a set of laws so much part of being that it's almost habit.

But eddie is not a collection of habits. oops.
Let's try this again.

Starbucks Beijing
Starbucks KL
Starbucks Yokohama
Starbucks Hong Kong
Starbucks Singapore
Starbucks Osaka

そして、今日Starbucks Dalian。

と考えると、心強い。同じ値段すら払ったら、同じ環境、同じサービス、同じ味、同じ落ち着きが味わえる。でもよ～く考えると、アジアばかりやけど、こんな時はアメリカに感謝したくなる。アメリカの極力なコーヒーカルチャーの世界への進出は、まるで国際人的生活そのものだ。アメリカ文化＝国際文化とは考えたくないけど、今日はStarbucksがあってよかった。

Once upon a time when Malaysia money was as big as Singapore money...

大当たり
イカなるうまみ
冬の味

仕事後大阪の同僚と事務所の近所でおいしそうなところをさがして、とりあえずここに入ろうと思ってたどころか、大当たりで、凄くおいしかった。普段口に入れたら吐きそうになるイカも想像できなかったほどおいしく、たくさんいただきました。寒くて忙しかった冬の出張の最中こんな味と出会えて、いくら頑張ってもかまわない程に幸せだった。

Suddenly, at twenty eight,
I have seven days to turning twenty-nine
And I have been in Asia and going to all the same places
I have seen so little of the world.

Suddenly at twenty eight,
My parents seem to have decided to age
Mum looks much older, so suddenly,
Was it because I made her worry too much last year?

Suddenly at twenty-eight,
I realise I don't make enough for retirement
And have no idea how people manage to save so much
They can stop working at sixty.

Suddenly at twenty-eight,
I wonder when I can step out of this country
Into that country I had been wanting to live in _
from the time I was a child
And I wonder if everyone will be alright when I leave them behind.

Suddenly at twenty-eight,
I realise how time is running out everyday
I ought to be giving myself more truly to my God
But I still can't seem to get sorted out.

Suddenly at twenty-eight,
I realise again I don't hold the future in my hands
I still dream
And everyday still feels as endless as school.

Suddenly at twenty-eight,
I could just die too,
But I don't know which would rest me better,
Leaving those I leave behind having them
Having had or not having had enough of me.

Suddenly at twenty-eight,
I don't want to turn twenty-nine,
But nothing in this world can stand forever,
And no, I shan't be left behind and still be writing this next year.

food for the body, the body for the sport, the sport for the mind, the mind for the art of life...

or did you get it the other way round?

修行は何のためですか？

と、一度剣道の先生に聞いた。しかし返された答えは、「修行のためです」だけ。そんな回答に満足できるはずもなく、ずっと気になっていた。今の僕にはわかった。これが修行の真意です：

　　ありのままの人生のすべたは、修行でありながら、
　　　　　　あらゆるの修行は、おもいがままの人生が過ごせるようになるためである。

これは無意味な循環ではない。「おもいがまま」の人生は、もし手に入れられても、ずっと続けられるものではない。何かの成功を収めれば、その後も同じように成功していくのはああいう簡単な事ではない。人間的に進化しなければ、何かを身につけなければ、できない。一回目の成功は、多分努力次第ですが、次々との成功なら、「自然体」の磨きが必要だ。成功なら、成功しかできない自然体を身につける必要がある。そしてその「自然体」を磨くのは、まさに修行である。

一年以上かけて水泳の一大成果です。泳ぐとき、スムーズに進みたければ、綺麗な姿勢が必要です。しかし、その綺麗な姿勢を身につけるには、日頃泳ぐとき、必死に綺麗な姿勢を保ちながら泳ぐトレーニングが必要です。

もう一つの意味がある。それは、人生は決してすべてを予想できる直線のような方程式ではない。しかし、その予想の付かない人生を、生きたいように生きていくには、なにかの力が必要です。どんなときにも、生きたいように生きられる力は、それは上記の「自然体」の強さです。

あなたの自然体を、どこまで維持できますか？

i think american/singapore/wadeva idol sucks.

the truth is that the media moulds us as much as we make the media. and if we put bitches on TV, that's what our children will become. is that what we really want?

we all know that everything on tv is make-believe. yes, it is true that the recording music world is full of bitches and the road to success is arduous and bitter, but isn't trying to duplicate that on the screen a little too simplistic? it's the same thing what all the survival/reality shows are doing. make-believe. so you can't succeed out there. so let's give you a chance to belive that you can make it here. ok, sure, some do make it. but at what price?

i think we have enough bitches around. and i don't think i want our future generation to be some low-class bitch that only knows how to critisize people in front of them. they've gotta learn some humility, some patience, some forgiveness. true, sometimes, some people just need some truth shouted in their face for them to improve. but most people, for most of the time, just need someone to encourge them, and to believe that they can make it - and if you believe in them enough, many of them do.

american tv sucks.

今日は大変幸せだった。散歩ができて、幸せだった。

僕にとっての幸せはね、大変簡単なものだ。簡単すぎたかもしれない。それは、風の効くいい天気に、ＭＰ３の入った携帯、一人での散歩。音楽のリズムと風の涼しさと僕のリズムと周りの景色や音のリズムが重なり合うとき、なんだか映画みたいに美しく、それだけ感じたら、僕はつい笑ってしまう。一人でいてもそんなに幸せなんて、想像できないでしょう。いいえ、これは一人でできる幸せではない。音楽を作った人たち、仕事が順調に進んでいるように支えてくれた人たち、町を作った人たちも、その幸せの為に努力してくれた。でも、こんな幸せを感じるには、一人にいて、周りのことをいちいち気づくのが大切なんだ。

そう、気づけば、一人で雨を見るだけでも十分に幸せだ。複雑なことではないけど、簡単すぎて、おそらくできない人もいるでしょう。でも僕にとって、人生の一番幸せな時は、そういうようにすごせた時間だった。別に人と付き合うのがいやではないけど、僕にとって、人といる時間より、自分でいる時間の方が大切、かな。

Sitting here by the window
With the company of the sound of the rain
There must be something about this moment that makes it feel
Like poetry
Without having to break lines
Without rhyme or meter.
It must be how simple it all is
That has made it a little profound.
When i lean my cheek to the window grill,
I can feel the breeze brushing by.
I don't know how else to put it,
But for this moment, everything feels complete,
Like the rain, the breeze and i were all that existed
And we were each a stanza in a poem,
Conversing.

work

I was bored...



not great but ah well... was bored.

the abc's of doodling...

5/6 of the lifts were not operating today, and there were 4 camps of people:

(A) Those waiting at the first floor queueing to get into the lift.
(B) Those deciding to get some other errands done first before coming back.
(C) Those who decided they will take the stairs.
(D) Those who take the stairs up in order to take the lift down and up again.

Naturally my problem-solving job hazard cum second nature made me take (D) without even thinking.

Anyway, made me think about time/cost living in the city again. Lifts fold land and time - pretty much like a space warp. It makes it feasible to support the city growth beyond a 1:1 vertical density while keeping the amount of time required to access this new space reasonable. Which is to say, if there were no lifts and land were still that expensive... we'd probably taking perhaps the first (and last) 1/2 or 1 h of our working day, walking up stairs... Considering the price of professional time, this is no small saving!

Makes me feel once again that the dimensions of city life are so different from non-city living. The numbers work differently. But when we're in it, we don't even realise.

I must have told you before
That if you walk that quickly
Expecting me to catch up, to find you,
I would, one day, just stand there
And let you go.
I guess this is that morning I am left behind with my
Broken pieces I have to pick up and go on
My own journey, apart from yours, and I'm sure
You have your own broken pieces too, that you
Pile high, like a tower of treasure you peer over
To see, at one time, only me.
Yes, I am honoured that at one time
I was the only thing you looked at;
But it is tiring, as much as I have been draining for you,
That I have to look over that tour of pride
To really see your face.
You are pretty,
But it was not your pretty face that deserved me -
It was something all the way deeper inside, that I knew
Can shine like a star. That is how I see you -
You have shown me its glitter -
But you have built a labyrinth around it,
And hidden away the very gem that makes you precious.
You closed your doors again - but this time
I'm too tired to scale your walls
To find again that precious gem
You have hidden too deep in.

did this quite some time ago...
it's pinned up on my notice board currently.

why must love
in all its gentleness
when it stretches out its hand, offer both
to be hurt, 
            and to hurt?
that as much as
we bare ourselves, our weaknesses to our beloved,
willing and ready
to suffer any pain to see our loved one smile,
sometimes,
we make them cry inside - 
sometimes so badly
we can almost see the fresh wound
that will dry into another rough scar
on a heart that for a little time,
in our arms, 
soft and warm, 
beat so gently in its rest?

first time doing this on a computer.

orange doodling

I don't look at you too much
But more and more, like an athlete who steps up his_
_training sessions before a competition, 
I slow down to imagine what it would be like
        When I'm alone at night, or when
        You're out or when I am,
If you should be suddenly gone one day -

Would I break down to cry,
Or would I find myself already too ready
To accept that this is part of the whole scheme of things?
For in my life you have been like a door,
An open one at times, and
A closed one at times, and at times
I wished that the door were gone and I could go out and play;

But this is one of those mornings
I can imagine that irreconcilable chasm
That would inevitably stand between you and me like the Night 
Between Yesterday and Today. When I wake up, I would lean_ 
_against the wall
Cold from the night, recalling
What I was like yesterday, trying to warm myself_
_with the same blood
That flowed in my veins the day before, and the distance,_
_I know,
Would hit me. 

        And I would feel within my arms
The arms that were shorter and fingers less deft,
Still alive and wanting to reach out and run into your embrace
To hear you say that I have done well
        even though my best no longer seems good enough 
        for the world around me
And I would bring to memory those precious scenes
When you stood beside me in front of the whole school on_
_Prize Giving Day
Proud that I have been your son.

Yet, when I saw you in the morning,
I didn't know what to say to you.
I simply let the day lead me into itself,
Walking into the distance knowing well that one day_
_when I turned around
You would not be there.

Sorry, can't do my linebreaks properly here :|
"_" at the end of the line indicates no line break!

think about doors that open by themselves, as if they were alive. think about rooms that can become cold in the day and boxes that light up. think about boxes that can make voices come out of nowhere. think about the energy delivered into our homes, as if from nowhere. think about the power plants that generate all this power. think about the fossil fuels that burn to release the energy to drive power plants. think about the lives that used to be in the fossiles that now burn to work for us, as if their ghosts have been called back to life into slavery to our urban fetishes. is this not the city, where the living and the dead live together? is this not the city where the dead still live in their death and those alive are dead in their living?

nothing comes from nothing. if the fan can move by itself, surely something, someone must have poured its energy into it. it's just so immense, the amount of energy we release. sometimes i think that all this energy running around is really the ghosts of the past, that all urbanisation must necessary suck the life out of someone or something in order to run itself.

think about outsourcing. think about how little we pay those workers out there to maintain our margins over here. think about how little Singapore pays foreign construction workers to build its prosperity.

if we found stupid aliens on mars, we'd probably bring them back to work in factories for us as well.

Imagine a pill...

that would be the fruit of Genetics, Nano Technology and Biotechnology, that when swallowed, would go into your system and find its way around your body, using the protein that it finds around to build components required for more complex genetic computations, planting the appropriate components in specific parts of the body, and finally finding its way to the brain, planting its sensory components there to receive instruction from the brain.

Imagine that this system could capture images in the retina and save them or send them out to external systems, giving you a kind of printable photographic memory that obseletes the camera, taking advantage of the eyes which are by far more perfect nearer perfection that any lens possible.

Imagine being able to authenticate your identity in a way that allows you to go shopping without having to bring even a card. You just take what you what and go home.

Imagine being able to access information without a compture or a phone or anything, knowing all, yet not knowing anything.

Imagine messaging in your head, being telepathically connected to the world.

Imagine being able to move from country to country without needing a passport.

Imagine having to swallow a second pill because there were some problems with the first.

Imagine the pill to have some bugs and you go into security alert.

Imagine someone hacking into you and you are screwed because you stored too many important things not in your brain, but in the system inside your brain.

Imagine being able to do your work suntanning on a resort island and nobody knows you are in your swimming trunks.

Imagine getting paid for renting out five minutes of your brain a day.

Imagine being able to learn anything so quickly that people really realise the value of the journey.

Imagine how work and leisure fuse so readily it becomes ever more important to learn how work could be enjoyable, and that work is an inevitable part of life.

Imagine a different pill that is able to uninstall all this.

So, would you rather the blue pill or the red pill?

Swimming fees

Give me a chance to live
A place to be
Just by myself, to decide
What I want to do and set out
To do it. A space
To laugh, to run, to fly,
Swim and skateboard,
Just as I like it, not having to
Report anything to anybody.
Give me some space
And I'll show you that I can live just as well
Offline.

もしこの世界に
僕一人だけが
残されたとも
僕には孤独さ
感じたりはしない
この人生を歩み続ける

高く広がる夜空さえ
もったいないほどに
僕を見守ってくれるだろう
そして朝目覚めたら
迎えてくれる日々は
想像もつかないほどの
慣れきった日常さ

no more gymmers, please. because gyms don't make hunks. all these gyms around here are just churning out these strange people, with the body of a construction worker and the personality of a mouse. it's just distasteful, like pop songs getting sung by an opera singer. it's just painful.

if u wanna be a hunk, start from your personality. so that when you get that body working, you know how to handle it, and so that behind those huge chests, you also have an equally big heart to match up to it. because, because, the size of your personality matters.

Thought this was interesting. An exhibition at Tokyo featuring 116 life-sized panels of persons who had passed away in accidents and crimes, including those of children and of those who lost their lives to drunk drivers. The driving message of the exhibition was "life", and the panels featured articles such as photographs and shoes that belonged to the deceased, as well as messages written by the bereaved. In a time when Japan experiences so many murders and deaths, it was only timely that such an exhibition remind us again of how precious life is, and how much more we need to address crimes and accidents as very urgent social problems.

Original text: 生命のメッセージ展 始まる

energy, rhythm and line

is what i have learnt from swimming, and is my current analogy for everything around me. refraining from writing long essays that give examples and then explain these examples, here's the heart of it all:

[energy - callibre]
energy to me, is the deep capacity for action. energy does not determine what you do or how much of it you can do, but rather, at what level you can do it. it is the substance that is consumed in action, the wax that is burnt to give light.

[rhythm - heartbeat]
rhythm is the consistency at which you can do things. in the short term, this is how regular you are to perform. it is the dynamism on a microscopic level that paces you to look forward.

[line - imagination]
it would be tempting to use the word "vision" but i thought "imagination" is less assuming. line is the process that pictures the present, imagines the future, and manifests this imagination in the physical world. this was my last addition to the set, when my freestyle somehow wasn't moving. line is what makes you move. line gives you the big picture that allows you to pace your rhythm.

That's all. There would be many things that flow from this analogy... but that would be another lesson.

my take on internet censorship

barring physical distance and network infrastructure that gives rise to poor connection, the internet has no definite boundaries.

yes, there are administrative boundaries, that can control how and to whom information can go out from private servers, but controlling what your users can access, on a nation-wide level, is quite a different matter.

on private networks, it is feasible, common and fair to implement proxies through which all traffic must be filtered, since such networks are relatively small (usually only up to a few thousand machines) and usually all the servers and often most of the clients as well, are completely owned by an organisation.

on a nation-wide network, however, users are connected through backbone lines to the internet. information is not just freely accessible, but overflowing. The practicals:

1. for gateways that filter on domains, a trivial workaround would be accessing content via public gateways. gone to china, done that.

2. for gateways that filter on content, encrypted traffice via a know foreign server would do the trick.

3. if you're looking for pure content, you could always try another language.

4. you could always get your friend overseas to keep you updated. if you don't have one, you could always find one on some chat server, forum, community, IM or dating site.

5. enforcing policies on local content providers does not mean that similar content is not available. uses will find it on foreign servers. unless you can shut the whole america down...

6. some countries have export laws surrounding software. but always, someone out there writes something similar and gives it away for free, from a server sitting in a country that doesn't have such laws. i still think it stupid to have a law that dictates whether you can send software out of a country purely based on the fact that the software was written while in a certain country. anyway, the link is usually there and you just have to click "OK"...

the principles:

1. the whole concept of the internet sits on the abstraction of physical connections. this is philosophically in disagreement with trying to enforce physically-based policies.

2. the internet is full of redundant links. meaning that if you close down one link (ie, filter at a gateway), chances are there are other links to the content.

3. search engines cache content. even if a content has been taken down, it is possible that a cache of it is available.

4. because we do commercial transactions on the net, we need encryption to work. the same encryption can let us tunnel through forign proxies and get to the content we want without the scrutinity of censoring proxies.

5. the internet is a world totally different from the physical world. the whole (yes, 100% of it) internet is made by hackers, not by policy makers. hackers made it work beyond physical and political boundaries and policy makers cannot change that. if there were any rules or laws in this world, their enforcement and implementation would have to be as profoundly different as the internet is different from freight routes.

6. people who grew up with the internet create a different social atmosphere. we need to remember how piracy actually drives sales through free marketing and customer education, and work from there. in the real world, theft leads to loss of profit. but when you step into the software world, everything is about knowledge. and it is knowledge that drives the hunger for greater knowledge. the only real reason people want to protect their trade in knowledge, i believe, is because they are not confident of growing faster than their customers to continuously attain a greater capacitiy to provide even more knowledge. ridiculous sales margins claiming to retrieve previous investments in research, at the end of the day, i believe, contributes to social stress. and i think the stress is building up - no longer between the workers and the beauracrary, but between knowledege workers who are scattered all over, including within the beauracrary, and the managers, sales people and politicians, whose sole purpose in this all is to reap as much unbelievable profit as they can. the difference is this - the beauracry used to own all the facilities in which workers can create something of value that can be sold by the beauracracy for money or power, but now, the worker owns all of this. in fact, the worker himself, is the facility from which all value flows. admitedly, the greed and selfishness of people will never change. but a new social order where the knowledge workers hold not just knowledge but also the ability to implement policies and managers have the authority but not the means to put their policies across, it would be interesting to see how they would evolve. as knowledge economies become more specialised and workers become more highly skilled and self-sufficient while markets becoming more discerning, the power game i think, would take on a new dimension. in such a world, the top-down approach to internet censorship is simply strange.

7. the reason we are starting to have social problems arising from the use of the internet, i believe, is not because we are not controlling the medium strictly enough, but because the policy makers have not come to terms with its nature. social response all these problems are signs that the old order is losing ground and a new balance has not been achived. i think policy makers need to change their approach to the internet and cosider it part of the social fabric in order to make policies that will work. but this might take a generation, when those who grew up with the internet become policy makers.

well, give and take, that's my take. might not be yours, for now, but let's just wait and see.

Corporate folder design. Inspired by teardrop patterns on traces found on printed circuit boards.

Feb 11's motive.

stuck in the office
nowhere to go
no place to be
just myself
away from everything
                    what people think i am
      supposed to be


                            stale
everywhere i breathe in the       air
breathed on me
and now i just don't want to be
anything at all. i hate it that i used to be
such a good kid
that all these suckers around me are now putting chains around me
to keep me 
the way i was; i hate it that i had not wasted all that energy
fighting parents that think i'll never learn to decide
what to do 
 
             next!


why does the world seem that bad when it is just one person
maybe two
who haven't learnt to love enough to let go?

今日は自信がない作品ですが、どう思ってくれるでしょうか。
Don't have confidence in this one, but wonder what you guys think?


自信がない作品を見せて、ごめんね！
ご期待のFeb11のものは用意中ですので、もう少しお待ちください！
The one based on Feb 11 draft is still underway, so give me a bit more time!

None but one friend seems to appreciate this one, but I don't care I'm doing it up anyway cos I like it!

Draft 2.

Okay, after leaving this alone for some time, finally got it touched up.

朝起きたら、ちゃんと鏡でご自分の顔、髪型をチェックしますか？チャックしなきゃいけないのよ。時間がないから、これでいいじゃといったらだめだ。朝鏡でみる自分は、一日の気分を影響するから。

人間は常に鏡で読み取った自分をイメージしながら生きていくのだ。

鏡であるような人を見たら、その人になるのだ。だから、朝鏡で自分を見ているのは、芝居の脚本を読むのと同じ。今日起きたら、この役に当たった。こんな顔のやつなら、こんな人生を過ごすべきですね、と。本当の格好よさは、人が見るものではなく、自分が見たものだ。だから、明日も、ちゃんと鏡を見ていて、この人になりたい、といっていてね！

言葉は
感情的で、
残酷で、
時に無力だ。

それでも
私たちは信じている、
言葉のチカラを。

Words are so emotional, so cruel, and at times, so feeble.
Still, we choose to deliver that power of words in which we believe.

とは、電車でみた朝日新聞「ジャーナリスト宣言」キャンペーンのキャッチコピー。なんて力強いと思う。ジャーナリズムの原点に戻す言葉だ。そして人間の生きる勇気を呼び出す言葉。信じていることを言う。信じている生き方で生きる。僕は僕らしく生きていけばいい。すばらしい言葉だと思う。人生を改めて、信じましょう。

I love these words from Asahi Shinbun's "Journalists' Declaration" compaign. Full of power, even returning journalism to its roots and calling forth the courage to live. The strength to speak one's mind, and to live the life that one believes in. To live just as one is. Despite all that is happening around us, it calls us to believe afresh, in life itself. Do not go gently into that good night / Fight, fight against the dying of the light!

time freezes at airports. it's funny, because it is exactly because everying is timed to the minute that time is frozen there. flights come in and go out all the time. and the florescent lighting doesn't give you a clue whether the sun was up outside. people of all races walk around you, some sitting around, as if waiting for eternity to begin, sometimes rushing like fish shooting themsleves at a floating bait. it is like the gears in a clockwork, that, by precisely being the mechanism on which time is built, alienates itself from the substance of time. the gears rotate, and maybe some arms move, but inside the clock, twelve midnight is just as well as any second that gives way to the next eternity. Four flights in five days, and my time stil hasn't seem to have thawed.

mascular memory

amazing. i'm at the airport and tried logging into the public teminals with my password... and suddenly i couldn't log in... panicked and wondered what happened overnight because i had just logged in the night before... sat down with my notebook plugged into the free ports and tried and tried... until i tried logging into an account i log in everyday and my fingers just did it...

passwords are mascular conditioning, i tell you... your fingers remember them better than you do... give them a chance!

「ほたるの墓」を見てきた。よく頑張ってきたな、日本人は。戦争の時の辛さが映画中でしみじみに描かれ、戦争の世界の幻のような、現実のような生と死。そして、大自然がその苦しんでいる人たちを支えてあげていること。家族というもの。愛する人との別れ。苦しんでいる子供の辛抱。生活の選び方。心の中に隠すなくなった人に対しての思い出。人生の希望。

いっぱいいっぱい描いてくれたね、宮崎せんせい。ありがとう。

it's been raining the whole day today, and it's still raining. love rains, and today it rained the kind of rain i love. i love rains because, unless we live underground, it is one thing that remains that still connects the city back to nature. i love rains, because when it rains, the whole land is at rest.

today's rain was particularly restful. big fat soft raindrops breaking on drooping leaves and the hungry earth. even the wind was still. and even my eyes wanted to close, calling me to lie down and slow myself down to the rhythm of the earth and join it in its rest.

maybe it's just the too many agendas and too many appointments that we have that we forget how we ought have lay down and let life take its pace. surely, a rain this pretty coudln't have been an inconvenience?

internationalisation vs evolution

i would suppose that the creation (c) of information has at least two factors: the way we think (f), and the information around us we are exposed to (i). That means something like this:

f:i -> c

this means that to maximise c, we will need to maixmise both the range of i and the size of the function class of f. this has two implications:

(1) information needs to be shared as widely as possible
(2) the way we think need to be as varied as possible

which IMHO are somewhat contrary to each other, in the sense that, to achieve (1), we need to branch out and internationalise our horizons; but globalisation inevitably brings in some degree of homogenisation, which does not agree with (2). It is then the challenge for every knowledge economy to absorb the world's wealth of information, and somehow, choose not to conform. Only then can it become and remain a creator of information instead of being a receipient.

some countries have done well in this, others haven't. Those that do well, do a lot for themselves - not just because information sells, but i think this has a lot more to do with identity. or at least attitude - because they have seen the great wealth of information out there, yet for some reason, chosen not to give up their own set of thinking frameworks. only then would their thinking be given a chance, to evolve.

i have come to believe quite a bit in human evolution. not the darwinian one, but rather evolution as opposed to revolution. i think people change in two ways - they either change so that they can make their surroundings suit them, or they change so that they will suit their surroundings. while changing one's surrounding sounds heroic and all, one must remain powerful enough to drive all this change, and to continue driving it; on the other hand, changing oneself to suit his surroundings requires that the practioner remain flexible enough to continue adapting. the advantage here, though, is that even when you're up against someone who is adapting in a direction different than you, you are still used to adapting to your surroundings - but one who must drive change, must drive others out of their change as well. if you're up against the world, that could be quite a big drive you will need.

the difficult thing about human evolution, though, is in adapting constructively. that means, every change should add to, and not remove, adaptability. and this, as you can imagine, can be quite a complex problem with no standard answer. but this is what makes it worth its while - when everyone evolves independantly, everyone would represent an isolated ecosystem of information. and this is what i mean by maixmising (f), the way we think.

we need to make our surroundings a self-sufficient ecosystem of information. if you americanise too much, you would lose some of your thought-identity. you would become american. but surely, there's always more than one way to do things. live, and let live.

お正月
教会だけは
行きました

大晦日
泳ぎに行こう
行こうかな

Not that I know the origin of this typeface, but IMHO, this is the worst accident in typography and a blatant display of an ignorance of asian culture.

To start with, what analogy is it using to make its reference to asian culture? Which asian culture uses a cuneiform writing instrument? I can only find two possible conclusions:

1. The motive is actually cut bamboo leaves
2. The motive represents the slitty eyes that are typical of asians

In the case of (2), I would find it an insult. In the case of (1), if bamboo leaves were an important motive, then why don't I see native asian fonts using much of it?

Someone must have gotten something wrong somewhere.

the meaning of "publishing" or "publication" is lost on this generation, and it's all the Internet's fault. the Internet is like an abstraction layer between the "physical world" and the "logical world". not that the logical world is ideal or anything, but what it does do, is remove the physical (aka real-world) boundaries from eye. at this point, in 2005/6, when Internet is at most gigabit for the everyday user, experienced users can still notice the difference between a server in USA and a server in Japan, but let's just say this is a temporary technial problem that will be gone by 2010.

my point is this - that the difference between a blog and a diary, is summed up in the world "publish". where a diary is a personal record, for one to find one's own tracks, a blog is a published statement, one's offerring to the world. but nowadays, people write about their private thoughts online as if it made no difference. maybe it really makes no difference to them - but maybe too, that it's not that they want their private lives to be examined, but that, they want a space to shout. to shout back at the world that has pushed them into little cubicles and pigeon holes. it is the peasant living in us, trying to throw stones at the palace walls of a tyrannical king.

so much for civilisation and industrialisation. every year, i come back to the same conclusion - that the world hasn't changed much since prehistory.

anyway, this entry has been sponsored by my new dairy. Proceeds from clicking-through will go to NKF.

現実から逃避しようとはしていない。でも本当に手にしたいものは、もう何かをしたらもらえるものではない。買えるものなら、買ったらいい。見えるものなら見たらいい。わかるものならわかったらいい。でも僕に欲しいものは、「なる」ものだ。顔だけじゃなく、人間そのものを変えたい。前も言ったが、「無駄のない人間」になりたい。いろんな人のいろんな性格の一部を自分の中に取り込みたい。「似ているもの」ではなく、本物になりたいんだ。そんな術、そんな技、どこから習えるのかな。そ、そう。人間ステムセルになりたいです。無限なポテンシャルを秘める存在。それが、僕の生きる駆動力となっている。

だから、僕の道は違うんだ。その道を先に歩んだ先輩、僕にもその道を教えてください・・・

Digital Doodle

水泳が好き。その水に入ったら、すべてが溶けられ、すべてが癒される気がする。潜り込もうとしても、その水面は誰一人も拒否せず、すべてを抱擁してあげる。そんな水が好き。水のような人間になりたい。誰一人も拒否しないですべてを守ってあげる水。優しいながら、普通見えないパワーを秘める水。いくら虐めても、虐められない。強く打ち当てたら、その襲撃を同様に返す力。癖もなし。無駄のなし。そ、そう。僕の目指しだ。

無駄のない人生を。癖のない人間に。

それが僕の目指し、僕のフィロソフィーだ。

好きな人に好かれるのは、すごくすばらしいことですね・・・そんな感じを感じたのは、いつだったっけ？他のものもう要らないと。そんなこと、僕にも二度と来るかな。もう、あきらめたいね。愚かなのは、この心か、この頭なのか・・・

This got me stumped - should I be excited about the possibilties of neural computation, or angry about animal testing?

It sounds like science fiction: a brain nurtured in a Petri dish learns to pilot a fighter plane as scientists develop a new breed of "living" computer. But in groundbreaking experiments in a Florida laboratory that is exactly what is happening.

The "brain", grown from 25,000 neural cells extracted from a single rat embryo, has been taught to fly an F-22 jet simulator by scientists at the University of Florida.

Full story here

Asu no Shinwa (Tomorrow's Legend)

Okamoto Taro's highest art.
This wall painting, measuring 5.5 by 30 metres, depicts the moment just after the nuclear bombing. Despite the dark and painful topic, the first response to the painting is probably "what is this?" - what draws you on the frist look is the powerful colour contrast, the lines that give it a certain beauty - the centrepiece of the work is a dancing skeleton - what is the message of this great piece? It being so dark, yet so beautiful makes the heart skip and the mind inquire.

Currently under restoration since its recovery from mexico after being lost for 30 years. Target completion 2007 July.

http://www.ntv.co.jp/dai2-junbi/photo.swf
http://www.1101.com/asunoshinwa/
http://www.ntv.co.jp/dai2-junbi/shinwa.html

Live coverage here.

This is zlel reporting from Singapore.

Harnessing artificial tornadoes as an energy source

(names may have been altered to protect the innocent)

eimajination: imagine weather war...
Edmund: more power in the wrong hands... scary thought
Edmund: since hurricanes and tornados generate their own self sustaining weather systems
eimajination: actually wat i think is third world countries should someday stop selling oil
eimajination: but sell power
Edmund: hmmm you have a point there
eimajination: then they will get out of poverty.
Edmund: the infrastructure's not gonna be easy though
eimajination: ya
eimajination: but now the develped countries are bullying the oil producing countries loh
Edmund: hmmm well since the 3rd world countries are already in that kinda debt
Edmund: heh
Edmund: might as well right
eimajination: it's just not right loh
eimajination: developed countries pretending to be civilised and all
Edmund: hey... economics make the world go round
eimajination: but it also makes the rich richer and the poor poorer
eimajination: it enforces a country-scaled global class system
Edmund: hmmm wonder how we can break that
eimajination: oil loh
eimajination: free market on oil
eimajination: let oil prices go according to demand
Edmund: hmmm energy costs are gonna sky rocket
Edmund: probably gonna force us to use alternative fuel as well
Edmund: hmm maybe not a bad idea
eimajination: yes
eimajination: IMHO it's the most concrete solution to 3rd world poverty loh
eimajination: but nobody wants to pay for their freedom
Edmund: well personally it might be a situation that the 3rd wold is too addicted to foreign aid
Edmund: it allows for a lot of things to remain in status quo
Edmund: no impetus to learn how to fish
Edmund: when the fish is given to you all the time
eimajination: ya but at the same time
eimajination: the so-called foreign aid is not real loh
eimajination: basically they WANT 3rd world countries to remain 3rd world countries
eimajination: instead of pouring in aid, i think they might be able to achieve more if they schooled a select group of kids all the way into university...
Edmund: hmmm how do you define the group?
Edmund: how can you confirm that one of them won't turn into some megalomaniacal maniac?
eimajination: u need to school them in their national values also loh
Edmund: schooling on national values is one thing
Edmund: accepting it is another
eimajination: ya but if u want them to be able to fish...
Edmund: and come on, how much does it cost to get a kid from infancy through uni?
Edmund: in the grand scheme of national budget
eimajination: not that much
Edmund: negligible
eimajination: therefore you can school quite a lot of kids
eimajination: mebbe a few thousand kids?

籠もられている感じだ。外に出たいけど、誰にもどんな説明もしたくない。でも出たらきっと聞かれる。だから出かけない。だから籠もられている。目に見えない鎖に縛られているようで、どうしようもない。インターネットはもう飽きたほどだけど、出られるのはここからだけ。こんな存在きっと僕だけが感じているではない。でもこんなやるせなさを感じていたあなたは、どんな道を踏んできたの？

異様なリズム

最近生活のリズムが変わった気がする。自分のリズムが変わったじゃなく、周りのリズムとのシンクロナイズが変わっている気がする。面白いことが偶然に起こり、何かが起こりそうな時察せるようにそのことにあわせるような動きをしたりしている。何かが起こるのでしょうか。楽しみにしている。

Say No to Handbills

The problem with doing a compaign to advocate saying no to handbills, is that you can't do handbills. You'd probably have to wear boards hung over your shoulders or hold up banners while the crowds go by. But still, I hate handbills.

Because handbills are expensive. To the marketing team, they may be one of the cheapest ways of advertising, but it's putting all the resources into the wrong places. Each sheet of handbill may only cost that much money, but they also warrant only that much attention. A victim walks by, collects a handbill, glances at it, walks to the corner, and tosses it - perhaps onto the floor. Worse still, passers-by taking pity on those whose work is the distribution of handbills, take a copy of the handbill only so that they can toss it off into a dustbin two metres away. All this when the industry does not assure us where all this paper is coming from. Are trees replanted for every tree fell for this? Business is disgusting.

Why not give out packets of tissue paper, or postit-pads or something that is of more use to the potential consumer? If you just want to get seen, why not get someone to hold up signboards or dress up so that you get the attention? Please please don't do anymore killer marketing campaigns...

Advertising agencies, please!

Living Out of a Suitcase

Machine's been down and all this week I've been living on Knoppix. Just got the latest version on CD today, and finally got it figured out... had terrible problems with performance and couldn't maintain a decent presence on msn cos I didn't have enough memory to make context switches bearable. But finally I'm getting the hang of it. Here's my secret....

knoppix desktop=twm screen=800x600

Yeah, that's it. The 800x600 really makes a difference... guess video is expensive. But the most amazing thing has been this... Knoppix has felt as much home as Windows did. But then again, my top-listed apps in windows was firefox, gaim, vim and bash.... haha.

The Reincarnation of Sexism, Part Deux

But then again, imagine guys telling their brother, "Kor, I want to marry you in my next life..."

The Reincarnation of Sexism

It just occurred to me that this is so strange. If it is a Chinese perspective that the dead get reincarnated, and males can get reincarnated into females and vice versa, why then is there such undeniable sexist undercurrents in the traditional Chinese thinking? Are they too existentialist or they just can't get it sorted out? If couples will say "I still want to be your wife next life", why don't they also remember that thy could end up brothers, or brothers could end up couples?

Gaps in logic, holes in the brain.

Confessionary Confectionery

Remember Kogepan? The reason we loved it that much must have been because it so simply voiced what we refused to say, but are dying to admit. That's why we also have chain mails that go along the lines of "answer the following questions truthfully and send it to another 5 people..." We're dying to let everyone know what we secretly want so much of, but yet so afraid that they find out that we want this badly to tell it all.

Ok so here shall hardly be my list of my 5 top most secret desires:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Bleah.

Mushroom Madness



Red or Black?


Oops forgot to smile...

By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept 
   when we remembered Zion.

いきなり、この詩篇を思い出した。追放の苦しみ、どこかへ帰りたい気持ち、それは都会にもあるものだ。形のない故郷は、もう滅亡されたかもしれません。われわれ都会人は、みんな亡命者だ。もう逃げ場のないところまでたどりつき、未来など考えたくない毎日を送る人生を馴染んでしまった。こんな僕らの救いは？確実に存在していても、手を出す勇気が沸いてこない・・・

Rush Hour Etiquette

01. Stand left, walk right. Even if you're reaching the top/bottom of the escalator, continue walking. If you have to stop because you're reaching the end, keep left. Common sense - if you stop walking, how on earth is the guy behind you, and the guy behind the guy behind you, and the guy behind the guy who just stepped onto the escalator, going to walk right?

02. The reason the queue at the escalator is so long is because everyone's refusing to stand on the step directly behind the guy in front. Don't waste space. If you take three steps to get onto an escalator, use the stairs during rush hour.

03. Don't swing your hands when you walk. You're claiming too much personal space.

04. If you have to read the news, fold it and read it. Don't force the guy standing in front of your read the cover of your papers for the whole half hour on the train.

05. You don't have broadcast rights to the music you bought. Use earphones in the train. Someone might be trying to catch a nap cos he got home at 3am the night before.

06. Leave space for weavers. If you're walking in a group, make sure people who are trying to beat the bell can run through.

07. Move into the centre of the train. Between the rows of seats along the walls of the carriage, you should be able to fit three rows.

08. Don't wait until the door opens and then say "excuse me" in a lift. Make your way to the door before the door opens so that the whole lift doesn't have to wait for you to get off. Waiting 10 seconds for each person to get off means that it takes forever for the guy on the 30th storey to get to his office. No, the math should be 30x(10+f+2d) where f is the time it takes for the lift to get from one storey to the next and d is the time it takes for the door to open or close. And you will need to multiply that number by the number of people in the lift.

09. Kid's don't qualify as "those who need the seat more than others". If you have kids who don't want to sit, make them stand. They've got more energy than anyone else.

0A. The reason train companies put money into contactless cards, small magnetic tickets and so on is so that commutors can clear the gates more efficiently. Don't take your time to take out your ticket and read the LCD to see how much money you have left on your card. You can do that during off-peak.

花非花，雾非雾。
夜半来，天明去。
来如春梦儿多时？去似朝云无觅处。

もう朝か
昨夜の疲れ
取れずにも

Today ought be a special day. For, for the first time in my life, I heard not a handicapped street begger, but a real handicapped street performer near my workplace today.

She was very obviously blind and her face looked weired, imaginably having lost one eye socket - but she was singing. Not singing slow Christian music to beg the guilt of passing Christians, nor was there in her voice the desperate self-pity that, hiding behind the latest popular hits, cried out, "I'm useless, please be the kind person you think you are and give me some money." Instead, her voice was delightfully bright. And so were her songs. The last number I heard her sing was Dancing Queen. Not the most effective kind of material one would use had her best asset been her handicap. And I'm not saying her singing was "uhm okay" - she was good. Someone-should-have-turned-the-disco-lights-on kind of good.

Yes, I was impressed. I loved her dignity. I loved her not trying to sell her handicap, but rather, to have overcome it, and to have found within herself something that was bright enough a gem to offer the world.

Put bluntly, the rest of the lot should be taken off the streets. Selling their self-pity, hoping to elicit the sympathy of some unsuspecting passer by. If their handicap were their greatest marketing asset, then how incomparable the darkness of their hearts must be beside their blindness, how crippled their spirits must be beside their lameness! All the more, it would be a sin to give to them. Cheap charity is but the giver masturbating his own selfish consience, unwilling to pay the full price to set the needy free.

I know, America is doing it. The rich are doing it. But still, the next time someone on the street tries to sell you tissue paper and yet says "please help me out", do them a favour - don't buy it. Buying a packet of tissue paper is never all that you can do for anybody.

As if micro weren't enough - without even realising, were're stepping into the age of the nano. Microcomputers are so last centuary. If you're reading this 20 years from the date of writing, really sorry that I'm using pretty last-decade words here, but today, at the horizon, we're talking about the dawn of quantum-channel-based communications, DNA computing, nanorobotics and genetic therapy.

Yes, so much so that we keep on losing the big picture, the long-term view. Remember, at the dawn of navigation, we used to use stars as our guiding lights. And before we the industrialisation, we used to build everything to last forever. Now, everything has an expiry date. A namespace. A domain. A locale. We forget how the whole system is held together, how one nanosecond flows into the next and how the next flows into eternity. How boats on a stream that lightly knock against each other actually take on individual lives and lifestories after that brief and anonymous encounter on the floating market. Put it bluntly, we seem to have stepped into the age of one-night-stands. Transient, isolated and intense.

My maid (aka domestic helper; just in case "maid" still means unmarried woman where you're coming from) just went off to the airport. It's been a good one year. She came not knowing anything, even innocently tossing some of our plastic covers into the bin, not knowing the difference between plastic covers that keep lenses safe and disposible plastic packaging that come with the food we buy at convenient stores.

It is hard to imagine the depth of the journey that she's gone through in her stay here. So many things we take for granted must have been pretty challenging for her, as much as it is to us if we had to live in a distant and strange land. And even harder to grasp is how her life, after she's gone back, will continue in parallel to ours, even though we may not make contact ever again. How (if I may borrow a term from computing - not that I haven't been doing so :P) massively multi-threaded the real-world is! (Oh yes, and how real-time it is also...)

Ya, it is an exciting world. But how very helpless it also makes me feel everytime I attempt to grasp how the whole tapestry is held together.

古いCDを聞いて、また人生のはかなさを感じた。

「部屋とYシャツと私」という曲だ。「もし私が先立てば　オレも死ぬと云ってね」のところにきたら、また生と死の間に辿り着いた。歩いてきたのが「過去」。足元にあるのが「未来」。そして今はその過去とその未来の間にいる。そういう感じだ。そう感じると、すこし伸ばしたら、過去の景色が見える、僕の中で。昔のまんまのように。その同時、今現実に感じている周りのものは、思い出のように感じてくる。未来から見る思い出のようだ。その一瞬、僕は過去にいるのか、現在にいるのか、それとも、未来にいるのか、わからなくなる。

すごい感じですが、怖い。一瞬の「現在」に、一生が感じられそうな感覚は、とても人間的に限界かな。一人で感じてしまうのは、重荷だ。ここにきたら、誰かに助けられたい。一緒にこの生きるつらさを負って生きたい・・・

If you took an operating system and did a hardware implementation of it, would it mean that the machine runs without an operating system?

Now it is becoming clear. There is no such thing as a software product. Software belongs in the quaternary industry, and you don't talk about produce in this sector. The primary industray talks about primary products, the secondary talks about consumer products. And from the tertiary industry on, we start talking about services - so why are we going back to products?

According to Wikipedia, if that is a source of any authoritativity, the quartanery industry is one that involves intellectual services. Put it in another way - in the secondary industry, you sell people the hammer to hit the nails in. In the tertiary, you charge them money for hitting the nail in. Now in the quartenary industry, you charge them money for telling them, in what manner they ought be hitting the nail in.

That is what it is. Let me now attempt to give a description of what I think software thus is - for the lack of a better word than "software", that is. Given that a user is a person or group of persons that interacts directly with the "software", then, software, perhaps, is a collection of logical steps of basic operations and the configuration that govern how and when these steps are to be invoked, essentially abstracting the know-how that experienced practioners employ while addressing issues, especially in, but not limited to, the problem domain of the user, expressed in a notation that can, directly or otherwise, be intimately employed in conjunction with a hardware device in order to derive a result which may be construed as an expert advice in the user's problem domain, a professional service that in part or in full solves the user's problem, or, a product which production is the user's problem domain.

For those who have problems with long sentences:

software, perhaps, is 
  (a COLLECTION of 
    (logical steps of basic OPERATIONS)
    [and]
    (the CONFIGURATION that govern how and when     
     these steps are to be invoked,)
    [essentially abstracting]
    (the KNOW-HOW 
        (that EXPERIENCED practioners employ          
         while addressing issues, 
            (especially in, but not limited to,             
             the PROBLEM DOMAIN of the user,)
        )
    )
  ) 
  [expressed in]
  (a NOTATION that can, directly or otherwise, )
  [be intimately employed in conjunction with a]
  (hardware DEVICE in order to 
    (DERIVE a result which may be construed as 
      (an EXPERT ADVICE in the user's problem domain,) 
      [or]
      (a PROFESSIONAL SERVICE that in part or in full        
       solves the user's problem,) 
      [or] 
      (a PRODUCT which production is the
       user's problem domain.)
    )
  )

This leads to two differentiating factors between software, and other services in the quartenary industry: firstly, that software needs to be executed on a tangible device, as opposed to programs implemented in organisations that involves strictly the retraining of staff to optimise processes, and secondly, that software may command a depth that can give tangible solutions to problems, even if the problem domain exists in the secondary or primary industry. It also follows that software makes it possible to offer intellectual services in a frame that may be separated from the source of that intelligence by space and time.

Coming back to our opening question. When does software cross the line? I believe that the crux of the matter is in the word "notation". So long as a solution may be expressed in some form of notation that may be used to make hardware derive some kind of useful result, the solution, expressed in the form of a notatian, is software. Which is to say, that digital circuit diagrams are software, but PCB derived from these diagrams, are not. In some sense, I am suggesting that in such cases, we are compiling our software into hardware, not binaries.

Which leads us to conclude that, yes, it runs without an operating system, only because we do not yet have a name for something that behaves like software but is not expressed in some form of notation. I would like very much though, to have a term that can take the clause "expressed in a notation" out of what I think what we currently think software to be. Afterall, in essence, software, really should be the intelligence that can help people solve problems in the absence of an expert. Why should it matter what form it takes?

No, there's no such thing as intelligent hardware, either. Not at least, for me.

Earth = Body

地球ってね、体のようだ。

サラリーマンになった僕はなおさらそんなように思うようになってきた。なぜなら、仕事の日々、よく無理やりして、食事などちゃんとしないで仕事やってたから。いつかからだが抗議して病気になるじゃないかと思ったら、地球もそうだよ。人間の発展の時、地球のことを考えずに、好きなほど環境を汚染する物質を流出する作業を行い、すべては自分の利益だけを見て。地球も、体も、自分の一部のような、もう一人の自分のようなものだ。やさしくしてあげないと、いつかどこかに痛むのは、自分だけだ。

だから、運動、栄養を考えない人は、環境保護の仕事をする権利がないじゃない。

１５歳の少年って、若いですか？

自分にそう聞いてみた。１５歳というのは、この世に来て１５年ですね。１５年は決して短い時間ではない。他人から夫妻へ、そして両親へとの変化すらできる。１５年この世にいたら、１５歳の時の僕らは、すでにこの世界のことがわかるようになったはずだ。この世がぜんぜんわからない宇宙人のような赤ん坊から人間の言葉や生き方がわかるようになったわけだ。

海外へ移住して１５年したら、どれ位海外の文化がわかるでしょうか？１５歳の少年にとってもそういうことじゃん。この世に移住して１５年。もう旅人と考えられないだろう。でもこの時代の少年はなんでなにもわからないようだろうか。

雑談二章

「１」
人生は舞台ならば、その真ん中にたって、もういいんだよ！と叫んで、みんなに言いたい。でもそんなところがないね。聞いてくれるひともいない。疲れたんだ。みんなそうだろう。しかし前へと進まなきゃいけない。もういやでも。こんな人生はいったいなんなんだろうか。

「２」
Strange how thinking habits evolve. Of late, I find myself not thinking of portable code, but moer of protable algorithms. As in, even though it's ANSI C, I still want to make the algorithm implementable in other languages which are not as strong in their language construct. Not that I will actually get to doing that, but it's just the thinking that goes into things. I just want to think, I think.

Woke up to this and it's still in my head...

Almost heaven, west virginia
Blue ridge mountains
Shenandoah river -
Life is old there
Older than the trees
Younger than the mountains
Growin’ like a breeze

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

All my memories gathered 'round her
Miner’s lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of moonshine
Teardrops in my eye

I hear her voice
In the mornin’ hour she calls me
The radio reminds me of my home far away
And drivin’ down the road I get a feelin’
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

Funny that an ex-classmate just asked me if I have invested by CPF. No, I don't have no CPF. I'm just a foreigner with no 故郷 to go back to.

今朝おきて、ラジオをつけたら、「乾杯」が流された。
こんな今朝もあるのよね。
いつか年を取ったら、自分はどんな僕を思い出すのか、つい自分に聞いた。
人生って、何なんだろうな。
年を取って青春の時の自分を思い出すのは、つらいことになるのか、幸せな思い出になるのか。

ついに詩集を取り出して、結構好きな一生を読んだ。

When You are Old

WHEN you are old and gray and full of sleep
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead,
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

大人になったら、なんになる、とは自分にはもう聞かない。
それは単に未来だけを見ている考え方だからだ。
僕の頭の奥で常に覚えているのはね、未来の僕が振り向けば、
どんな過去が見えるのか、ということだ。なんか、
未来の僕と今の僕との対話見たいな感覚だ。映画みたいだ。

だから時間と空間が重なった映画が好きだ。体の中に、
その本当の意味がわかる気がするから。

今の僕と未来の僕との間の距離は、本当に隙間のように小さいんだよ。

又一块大石
磕碰一声
就坠入了见不着底的深池，
好深，好深--
又好像，在掉落的不是大石，好像，
那一瞬间，
大石是我的世界的绝对点--
而在往下不停地坠落的
是我世界的一切--
好深，好深，
好像
坠入了一个，没有底的永远。

时常会这样。
醒过来，
也不知道自己的世界少了些什么
只觉得自己好像做了个好累的梦；

遥望碧海苍天，
只见崇山峻岭，悠然顶天立地；
装出一副潇洒，笑着说
一粒沙，微不足道！

谁又看得见那心底
葬了几许的忧伤。

每次想想自己的生活，就感到一股很深很切的憂傷。一種無奈，無法怨恨神，也無法接受這一切一切的事實。羨慕活的那麼燦爛的人，過的那麼美麗的人。

是，我在工作上，順利得已經連半句怨言也想不出，真的是完美得不得了﹔可是我的內心生活，卻如此空虛，又有誰能想知？生活中，好像心中要的，都得不到。還有人說是因為我不肯花錢去得到，可是我要的，真的已經不是金錢所買得到的。我只想要人門真正地喜歡我，不是因為我能為他們做什麼，就是喜歡我這個人。我想要真正的朋友，緊緊跟著我身邊，陪有走每一段路。我只是不想孤單，不想一個人。我要的，是那麼簡單，又是那麼難得．．．

我也蠻努力去讓人喜歡我啊。或許是這地方，這環境不適合我吧？每次都這樣想，心理才比較好過一點，可是一直還是不了解，神為什麼要做出這樣的我，讓我活得這麼累。

神様は、ネットに乗って、Webで日記を読んで
カキコにコメントをつけるのかな？
僕の日記を読んでいないみたいですね。

四點到了故宮
正好停止售票
紫禁城進不了

水面下
光の波紋
裂けはせぬ

最近ですね、超つまらないんだよ。
出かけようともあいてなし。
家に帰ってもすることない。
一番楽しみにしているのは、月曜日の水泳かな。
なんとかしなきゃ、と思ったりはするけど・・・
やはり、シンガポールはつまらないね。
なぜかここが僕の居場所ではない気がする。
ずっとしてきた。
いつか出てみたい。

つまらない話を聞かせてごめんね。
このBlogで本当に人が読みたいものを乗せたかったが。
こんなカキコを含めていつも読んでくれるあなた、ありがとう。

やっぱり、一人だよね、僕は。
一人でいて、もう疲れたけど、人生は続けていくのね。
仕方ないな。生まれてきたから、生きてゆこう。
リズムを変えてみよう。

Maybe it was the beer. Maybe it was the rhythm. Maybe it was the deejay. Or maybe it was stuff in the beer, I don't know. What I remember was the beat vibrating though the stool, though the wall, and ultimately under the floor though which everyone was inexplicably connected to the music. And suddenly it was smooth, and suddenly it was heavy, and I could feel it beating in me, as if my organs were too, were beating to it. Suddenly the lights were flashing, suddenly the beat was in me. And then, just so suddenly again, the beat took over me. I could feel the pulse in my legs and arms, and my body began to move in unfamiliar half-beats. It was my body, assimiliating the drumbeats into my system... there was something strange and unfamiliar about it... but I should quite think, that that night, I was dancing.

ＫＬ。友達がいるなんてうそみたいに一人だな。
旅は、楽しいはずかな。
普通やってないことをやるのは、面白いが、それは「楽しい」には限らない。
それだけで旅を続けられるかな？
長い旅をしている方々は、どんな心境で流離の人生を歩んでるかな。
一人で旅しても楽しい行きかた、それを習いたいな。

Okay I've been looking for this song for ages, and am finally coming to this. If anyone knows this song, please mail me:

Genre: Japanese Pop
Singer: donno!
Lyrics: donno!
Composer: donno!

シンガポールは立派なお国になってるよね、昨日二つのシンガポール人のアルバムを買って、聞いて、そう思ってた・・・

Bought Huang Yida's new album just because one section of one song on radio. It's his music... luscious, organic, orgasmic. It wasn't like I heard exactly what words he sang, but the words and the music came through well. And so it was his music that drew me in. Somehow this time round, I don't really care too much what the lyrics are, just happy that the lyrics agreed with the music... usually, I'm drawn in first by the music, then the lyrics - and then I start liking the song really a lot and a lot because of the lyrics. Maybe it's just that this time it's just the sound that mattered...

But then, the sound of the lyrics could change the sound of the music. Anyway...

So are you a music person or a lyrics person?

Put it in another way, is it the looks or the personality that you look for?

Kinda the same thing, ain't it?

It boggles my mind how it could be true, that a son who had demanded for his share of the estate, gone away, spent his money, spent his life, driven to the edge, when he came back to his house, could be greeted, not by sneering voices, not by theories of retribution, not by deep hurts dug up as anger, but by love. That a father could be so loving, that although on all counts, his son should have disappointed him and deserved nothing but the place of a servant, instead chose not to reason by logic, not to reason by the past, not to reason by the fact that he no longer owed his son anything, but to respond in love, seeing not a son that had been unfilial and a total disgrace, but seeing a son who had returned as if from the dead. From the dead! How limited our view of things is, that we cannot see beyond death and get so bogged down by reason and short-spanned emotions...

Unfortunately I think most daddys aren't like that. I can hear them say "I told you so!" or "you deserved it!" or "and you still have the cheek to come back!" followed by a long lecture poured out of a hurting and angry heart. Because deep inside, we know we deserve nothing more than the angry eyes of unapproving parents, for we have fallen short of their expectations. Because we know we have failed them, and we know that when we fail our exams, we get punished.

I guess earthly parents don't love enough to let go, to say less of picking up broken pieces after we have gone all wrong. We all humans look too much at our own hurts. All this makes God's love so unbelievably amazing. Grace, they call it. Totally undeserved. So undeserved that some of us - at least I - have problems trying to believe that it is all, for real.

本物の祭りといえば、ほとんど宗教関係の祭りでしょう。
国もそれぞれの祭りがあれば、それが名物になり、外国の方が見物しに来るでしょう。
だが、シンガポールは、宗教がないのだ。信じる人がいないではなく、国としては、宗教関連の祭りだったら、××祭りはシンガポールの祭りだ、とは言わなく、あくまでも○○宗教の祭りだ、との感覚が強いと思う。つまり、シンガポールは本物の祭りがない。だからシンガポールは必死に祭りを作ってる。たとえば、旧暦のお正月の頃は、ＣＨＩＮＧＡＹというのがある。オチャードの道路を封鎖して、人が踊りながら、Ｆｌｏａｔというある主題を元に飾ったお車を通わせる祭りだ。旧暦のお正月は、ここの中国系が祝ってるけど、こういうＣＨＩＮＧＡＹのような祭りは、ないのだ。それどころか、本当にあるのは、花火。でもシンガポールは一般人は花火の使用は法律により禁じられてる・・・

祭りを見ながら育てた人にとって、これは変かもしれないが、綺麗なシンガポールの奥は、こういう虚無さだ。祭りがないせいか、他国の人が放射している熱情は、シンガポール人には感じられない、と思う。やっぱり、人間には祭りが必要、かな。

人並みの聡明。みんなと同じ悩み。普通な欲望。つまり、普通な人間。ずっと、心のそこかから、望んでいたのは、それに過ぎないかも。一緒に悩みあうのを周りに見たら、なんか羨ましい。だれが僕の悩みを理解してくれる？だれが僕を助けれくれる？私のすべてをわかり切っている神様だって、なにもしていないようだ。こんな僕は希望があったって、虚無さだけかな。

ブログに乗せるネタじゃないが、今の僕は、なんかすごく恋いしたい・・・だが、好きになれそうな人は、周りに誰か一人いない・・・＊SIGH＊いったい・・・彼女は、いったいどこにいるのかな・・・ずっと待ってたから、早く現れてよ。

I think I've figured out why people think that my sister's older than I. Okay, maybe it's that she is pretty matured in her thinking and behaviour, but also this - do you believe there's an eldest-child and youngest-child character, that most eldest-children behave in a certain way and youngest-children have certain traits? I think my problem is that I have a youngest-child character... I think. Somehow, no matter how majime a person I am, I'm not losing it...

guess what... that means i have a problem, don't you think so? cos i don't have an elder brother to relate to me in response...

nvm if u think this kakiko's all crap. there's just nothing to do on saturday nights.