やっぱり、一人だよね、僕は。
一人でいて、もう疲れたけど、人生は続けていくのね。
仕方ないな。生まれてきたから、生きてゆこう。
リズムを変えてみよう。

Maybe it was the beer. Maybe it was the rhythm. Maybe it was the deejay. Or maybe it was stuff in the beer, I don't know. What I remember was the beat vibrating though the stool, though the wall, and ultimately under the floor though which everyone was inexplicably connected to the music. And suddenly it was smooth, and suddenly it was heavy, and I could feel it beating in me, as if my organs were too, were beating to it. Suddenly the lights were flashing, suddenly the beat was in me. And then, just so suddenly again, the beat took over me. I could feel the pulse in my legs and arms, and my body began to move in unfamiliar half-beats. It was my body, assimiliating the drumbeats into my system... there was something strange and unfamiliar about it... but I should quite think, that that night, I was dancing.

ＫＬ。友達がいるなんてうそみたいに一人だな。
旅は、楽しいはずかな。
普通やってないことをやるのは、面白いが、それは「楽しい」には限らない。
それだけで旅を続けられるかな？
長い旅をしている方々は、どんな心境で流離の人生を歩んでるかな。
一人で旅しても楽しい行きかた、それを習いたいな。

Okay I've been looking for this song for ages, and am finally coming to this. If anyone knows this song, please mail me:

Genre: Japanese Pop
Singer: donno!
Lyrics: donno!
Composer: donno!

シンガポールは立派なお国になってるよね、昨日二つのシンガポール人のアルバムを買って、聞いて、そう思ってた・・・

Bought Huang Yida's new album just because one section of one song on radio. It's his music... luscious, organic, orgasmic. It wasn't like I heard exactly what words he sang, but the words and the music came through well. And so it was his music that drew me in. Somehow this time round, I don't really care too much what the lyrics are, just happy that the lyrics agreed with the music... usually, I'm drawn in first by the music, then the lyrics - and then I start liking the song really a lot and a lot because of the lyrics. Maybe it's just that this time it's just the sound that mattered...

But then, the sound of the lyrics could change the sound of the music. Anyway...

So are you a music person or a lyrics person?

Put it in another way, is it the looks or the personality that you look for?

Kinda the same thing, ain't it?

It boggles my mind how it could be true, that a son who had demanded for his share of the estate, gone away, spent his money, spent his life, driven to the edge, when he came back to his house, could be greeted, not by sneering voices, not by theories of retribution, not by deep hurts dug up as anger, but by love. That a father could be so loving, that although on all counts, his son should have disappointed him and deserved nothing but the place of a servant, instead chose not to reason by logic, not to reason by the past, not to reason by the fact that he no longer owed his son anything, but to respond in love, seeing not a son that had been unfilial and a total disgrace, but seeing a son who had returned as if from the dead. From the dead! How limited our view of things is, that we cannot see beyond death and get so bogged down by reason and short-spanned emotions...

Unfortunately I think most daddys aren't like that. I can hear them say "I told you so!" or "you deserved it!" or "and you still have the cheek to come back!" followed by a long lecture poured out of a hurting and angry heart. Because deep inside, we know we deserve nothing more than the angry eyes of unapproving parents, for we have fallen short of their expectations. Because we know we have failed them, and we know that when we fail our exams, we get punished.

I guess earthly parents don't love enough to let go, to say less of picking up broken pieces after we have gone all wrong. We all humans look too much at our own hurts. All this makes God's love so unbelievably amazing. Grace, they call it. Totally undeserved. So undeserved that some of us - at least I - have problems trying to believe that it is all, for real.

本物の祭りといえば、ほとんど宗教関係の祭りでしょう。
国もそれぞれの祭りがあれば、それが名物になり、外国の方が見物しに来るでしょう。
だが、シンガポールは、宗教がないのだ。信じる人がいないではなく、国としては、宗教関連の祭りだったら、××祭りはシンガポールの祭りだ、とは言わなく、あくまでも○○宗教の祭りだ、との感覚が強いと思う。つまり、シンガポールは本物の祭りがない。だからシンガポールは必死に祭りを作ってる。たとえば、旧暦のお正月の頃は、ＣＨＩＮＧＡＹというのがある。オチャードの道路を封鎖して、人が踊りながら、Ｆｌｏａｔというある主題を元に飾ったお車を通わせる祭りだ。旧暦のお正月は、ここの中国系が祝ってるけど、こういうＣＨＩＮＧＡＹのような祭りは、ないのだ。それどころか、本当にあるのは、花火。でもシンガポールは一般人は花火の使用は法律により禁じられてる・・・

祭りを見ながら育てた人にとって、これは変かもしれないが、綺麗なシンガポールの奥は、こういう虚無さだ。祭りがないせいか、他国の人が放射している熱情は、シンガポール人には感じられない、と思う。やっぱり、人間には祭りが必要、かな。

人並みの聡明。みんなと同じ悩み。普通な欲望。つまり、普通な人間。ずっと、心のそこかから、望んでいたのは、それに過ぎないかも。一緒に悩みあうのを周りに見たら、なんか羨ましい。だれが僕の悩みを理解してくれる？だれが僕を助けれくれる？私のすべてをわかり切っている神様だって、なにもしていないようだ。こんな僕は希望があったって、虚無さだけかな。

ブログに乗せるネタじゃないが、今の僕は、なんかすごく恋いしたい・・・だが、好きになれそうな人は、周りに誰か一人いない・・・＊SIGH＊いったい・・・彼女は、いったいどこにいるのかな・・・ずっと待ってたから、早く現れてよ。

I think I've figured out why people think that my sister's older than I. Okay, maybe it's that she is pretty matured in her thinking and behaviour, but also this - do you believe there's an eldest-child and youngest-child character, that most eldest-children behave in a certain way and youngest-children have certain traits? I think my problem is that I have a youngest-child character... I think. Somehow, no matter how majime a person I am, I'm not losing it...

guess what... that means i have a problem, don't you think so? cos i don't have an elder brother to relate to me in response...

nvm if u think this kakiko's all crap. there's just nothing to do on saturday nights.

今日もメールがこなかった・・・

So we've all been duped... no wonder it's so difficult to wake up early in the morning... and the sun does not really set at 7pm but at 6pm... and we're all at work by 7-8am... no it's not the numbers I'm talking about, but rather how far the sun is into the day - doesn't it start to make sense if we really started work at 9am - on the third or forth hour of sunshine in the day? If it still were the gentle warmth of the sun that wakes us up each morning, then we'd have three good hours of the morning sun... instead of having to grope in the dark when the day is still half asleep...

ah well, so what is "real" on this island?

Picture time.



屋台。大連にて。


三社祭り。




巡り合い

行ってきた。二週間半の出張。日本・台湾寄ってきて、なにか変な感じ。落ち着いても、落ち着いていなくてもない。何かが変わってる気がする、僕の中で。今まだ何が変わってるのかわからないが、なんか、やっと変わり始めてるとの感じだ。本当に変わって行ければいいね・・・

Took this at the aiport in Dalian, China.
Thought there was something Miyazakian about it... n'est pas?

Between flights, between trains,
spaces of time,
To some, this would be the purpose of joerney; yet another wolud want it in print,
Etched in the mind, between
The freezing smile and the relaxing pose.

It's been a day that seemed a journey, between
The opening and the closing of uneager eyes that are
Not entirely uncharmed, just unexcited, having forgotten their
Curiosity. But today I walked streets that felt altogether foreign,
Like clips of different movies
I failed trying to piece together.
Yet there was something that was suddenly enjoyable about this -
After week upon week that seemed no different from one another, this was
Quite like a journey.

Say then, what would the purpose of journey be?
Today there was none,
When between trains were other trains,
And between walks were other walks,
Yet somehow this purposeless movement,
Made me quite settled, not trying to look for a reason
To be in transit.

シンガポールは、やっぱりイギリス植民地だったね。
なんで海外華僑なのに、英語圏なの？
なんで中国系なのに、口からでるのは、英語なの、と自分に聞いたら、そう思った。
実際にはイギリス派より、アメリカ派の若者が一般だよね、シンガポールっては。
だけど、それは植民地時代を背景にした英語力に基づいた現象ではないかな。
２１世紀のシンガポールは未だにイギリスの影に生きているのか。
それとも、日本の侵略や国内中国人の騒乱を忘れようとしていたから選択した道かな。
どっちにせよ、そう思ったら、今日道で歩いている時、吸い込んだ空気まで植民地の空気に化したように、異国にいるように感じた。

洒落てない人生。
今日起きて友達のブログを読んでの感想。
そう、自分は自分のみんなとは違う道がある。
でも周りを見たら、羨ましくもなる。
前に向かってまっすぐ進むべきだが。
こういう道に、そばから支えてくれる仲間がいれば、力になるね。

いるかな、そんな人間。
これを読んでいれば、メッセージ頂戴。

久しぶりに素振りした。
思ったとおりに左手に浮腫みができた。
痛い。
でもなんだか気持ちいい痛み。
生きている証だ、というより、人に見せられる痛みの方がそんなに苦しくない。
痛くてよかったほどです。
大人の痛みは大変ですね。

I'm not an activitist, but did this...