我如是海。有水而满，却不可满。有水而是，却不是水。无水而空，却不是空。取尽其水则见不得，换尽其水则灭不得。如水滴，滴入海则见不得，分不得，取不得。反问何是海何非海？无海既是海，分不得是海与非海。无我既是我，分不得是我与非我。

你看到空，还是看到色？

Perhaps one of the great mis-accidents of the English Language is its differentiation between "hearing" and "listening", "looking" and "seeing". It creates in the English-speaking psyche an awareness of the cognitive mind that interprets the signals sent out by the senses. Fortunately or not, it makes us always eager to seek out the intention in the words and the meaning in the sights, so that we can perceive what is critical, and understand what is important. We want not just to be hearing, but to be listening, not just to be looking, but to be seeing. We interpret sights and sounds once we sense the slightest indicators - and pigeonhole them into our library of experiences.

But sometimes, we get so caught up with this business of experiencing that we forget to feel what's really around us. Once we match what we see or feel to our experiences, we don't hear the sound in the ears, but the sounds in our minds; we don't see the sight before our eyes, but the visuals in our heads - we try so hard to listen to that "inner voice" that we become deaf the music of the spheres.

Our vocabulary of experiences is both our greatest ability and our biggest handicap. When we attach words to experiences, we give meaning to them. We become able to contain all our experiences within the framework of a language - and words, in representing our experiences, become our experiences.

That is when we need to take a step back, and feel what is really around us instead of rushing into finding meaning in it. We need to learn to hear the "white noise" our brains so conveniently filter out, we need to smell the air, and we need to see the circle in the letter "o". We need to connect back to reality, and not let language remove us from our surroundings. We need to be here now. We need to be "here" in location, and "here" in time.

And I hope you don't manage to read this far. Because if you do, then you are here with me, and that's not where I hope you to be. Words have led you here. Words have created for you Meaning for being here. Words have created Questions. And Questions have created the Need for Answers.

Don't come here searching for answers, because there is none. Go, go back to where you are and find the reality around you. When you sit on the floor, don't ponder. Feel the floor, and feel yourself sitting on the floor. The floor you sit on is not asking you a question - why should you try so hard to find an answer on it?

Listen to the noise
-------------------

Our brains cannot handle a lot of things at one time. But the brain does very clever tricks. It learns to attach meaning to things. It then categorizes, prioritizes and filters out unimportant things so that we need to pay attention only to "important" things - things that threaten our survival, or things that can ensure our safety. I think it's all part of evolution, and the peak of our survival instinct. Attaching meaning to things keeps us in the game; it makes sense of the world - it makes sense of fear, it makes sense of happiness, and it makes sense of desire, and of sadness.

But the problem is, sometimes, the brain decides that so many things are important that we have everything in our face and nothing we can ignore. In trying to minimize the amount of noise we hear, our brain as a result gives us more noise - noise created by meaning - and we fail to hear the real noise - we stop hearing noise as it is, and stop seeing the world as it is. Reality gets filtered by our perceptions, and I think the opinion of most people is that there's nothing you can do about it.

But i think if you try really hard, and listen to the noise - you will start hearing the noise as it is. Your inner noise will be stilled. And you will find the place where meaning is made. And if you can stop that meaning from being made, I think fear, happiness, desire, and sadness can disappear. But I had a lot of difficulty listening to the noise - my mind tries to form images to match the noise i hear. That would create meaning. But my unfamiliarity with hearing the world, did make it easier to hear the world as it is. I wonder what it is like to be profoundly blind. Would hearing be as sight? Or is there no blindness where there is no sight?

I'm sorry this is written with such an assuming voice. I just need to put down what's in my mind.

It's the second time we met
---------------------------

Ten years
In the galaxies' history
Would be a single momment, held still in a thought
Like us now
With my body curled up in the orbit of your embrace.

I have seen your thoughts from afar
Radiating like light from a sea of flames
Dancing to a rhythm I had taken for granted to be
The ticking of your mind, until now. I am surprised
By this warmth near your face,
Surprised by these full lips
And the gentleness of your gaze - it is strange
How an hour could put away
Distances separated by time.

In a while we would be back each to our own orbit
And it leaves me wondering,
How the math of two orbital periods
Shall let us meet again.

Give me a song
  for the feint hearted
  when the night stretches itself out too long
  and the noise of day long departed
  in the darkness that swallows up every word
  written in the sand
Give me a song that dives below the surface
  and gently lifts
  fallen notes with its chords into a harmony
  that puts the beating back into the heart
  in the night of disappointment and fatigue
  the heart cannot speak

And I will wrap it around myself
Like a down blanket in winter
And learn to believe again
In its promises of Spring

Read me a poem
  not weaved with words but with pauses
  in between words that just happen to be there;
  Words are always eager to spell out every sin the mind can conceive
  but broken lines can fit together
  the sky and the sea
Read me a poem
  and breathe it into my ears
  and let it embrace my being
  like a cocoon wrapping around a caterpillar
  eager to know 
  the smell of the wind

And I will sleep like a baby in the cradle
I will learn to forget the future I know
And perhaps when I wake up in the middle of the night
The breasts will be there for me to suckle.

the morning i die

what will it be like
on the morning i die
will there be quarrels left unsettled
last minute goodbyes
i love yous left unspoken
will it be a rainy morning with mozarts requiem playing in a chapel
will it be peacetime or war among the debris
the morning it is proclaimed
eddie is dead

will dad and mum be still alive
or will i outlive them and be able to spare them of such deep loss
will the languages of capitalism and kindness still be spoken
the morning on the day
i exist no more

what will it be like
on the morning i die
will this text be read
by who and to who
and what memories should it invoke what legacy should it recount
on the day dear ones gather in my name
because i exist no more

will they be there
those who knew my soul
and those who knew my body
who saw how exitement tingled through my whole being
and breathed the same air
that kept me alive in my darkest hours
will they be there
those who had been there the day i arrived
who celebrated thence giving thanks for every hour eddie was there

(still editing)

想念以前 -- 想念以前的将来，想念以前的梦。

happiness, i think, is a response to an exciting energy.

when you hit a drum with a mallet, it makes what is usually called a "sound".
perhaps happiness is like this "sound" thing.
when some invisible mallet hits you, you vibrate and emit "happiness".

happiness is not an emotion. happiness is not a motion.
it is a response to an exciting energy.
it is the product of an energy in motion rather than an objective or a feeling.

happiness is not love. love may end in happiness. but it may not.
different people vibrate to different energies, so not everyone
vibrates to love.

that is why nobody can tell you what happiness is, or how you can be happy.

happiness is not a specific manifestation, but manifestations add to
describe what happiness is. happiness is a class of manifestations. it is a template, a virtual class, an idea, rather than a particular instance.

some people find happiness in purpose. some people find happiness in being together. some people find happiness in discovery. some people find happiness in being able to hold together ideas and make sense in its totality.

some people find happiness in roller coaster rides.

but since happiness is the product of an energy, sustained happiness would require a sustained source of that energy.

of course you will first have to figure out what that energy is.

perhaps conditioning and religion can help condition you to resonate to a prescribed energy.

but everybody is different.

some people may find happiness in disrespect, in unbelief, in putting people down. is it fair to say that their unfortunate past made them so?
you are just as unfortunate that your past made you whatever you are.

ideas evolve because ideas get shared. we are all part of some brainwashing.

so let's have a little respect for other people's happinesses, and see how we can fit them in.

Make your mbox attachments searchable in Thunderbird.

#!/bin/perl 
# filename : mboxtagattachments
# usaage   : cat Inbox | mboxtagattachments > newInbox
#            searcch tag "X-META-01" in thunderbird

$OUTPUTENCODING = "UTF-8";

use MIME::Base64 qw( encode_base64 decode_base64 );
use Text::Iconv;
use Data::Dumper;

$STATE = "INIT";
$LASTLINE = 1;
while (($_=) || $LASTLINE) {
        if (!$_) {
                $LASTLINE = 0;
                $_ = "From -";
        }
        s/[\n\r]*$//g;
        $_ .= "\r\n";
        if (/^From -/) {
                if ($RAW_PROLOG) {
                        ## -------------------------------------------
                        ## HANDLE MAIL THAT ENDED
                        ## -------------------------------------------

                        %subvalues = getSubValues($MAIL_HEADER{"Content-Type"});
                        $CHARSET = $subvalues{"charset"};

                        # print STDERR "$CHARSET\n";
                        # if ($CHARSET) {
                        #        $MAIL_BODY = Text::Iconv->new($CHARSET, $OUTPUTENCODING)->convert($MAIL_BODY);
                        #}
                        #print STDERR Dumper(\%MAIL_HEADER);

                        print $RAW_PROLOG;
                        for (keys %MAIL_ATTACHMENTS) {
                                $fn = $MAIL_ATTACHMENTS{$_};
                                if ($fn =~ /[^[:alnum:][:punct:][:space:]]/) {
                                        if ($CHARSET) {
                                                $fn = Text::Iconv->new($OUTPUTENCODING, $CHARSET)->convert($fn);
                                        }
                                }
                                print "X-META-01: $fn\r\n";
                        }
                        print $RAW_HEADER;
                        print "\r\n";
                        print $RAW_BODY;
                }
                $RAW_PROLOG = $_;
                $RAW_HEADER = "";
                $RAW_BODY = "";
                %MAIL_HEADER = ();
                $MAIL_BODY = "";
                %MAIL_ATTACHMENTS = ();
                $STATE = "HEADER";
                $KEY = "";
                next;
        }
        if ($STATE eq "HEADER") {
                if (/^\s*$/ && ($MAIL_HEADER{"From"} ne "")) {
                        $STATE = "BODY";
                        if ($MAIL_HEADER{"Content-Type"} =~ /multipart/) {

                                %subvalues = getSubValues($MAIL_HEADER{"Content-Type"});
                                $partbody_boundary = $subvalues{"boundary"};

                                %partbody_headers = ();
                                $partbody_count = 0;
                                $partbody_filename = "";
                                $KEY = "";
                                $STATE = "PART-HEADER";
                        }
                } else {
                        if (/^X-META-01:/) {
                                next;
                        } else {
                                $RAW_HEADER .= $_;
                        }
                }
                if (/^\s/) {
                        chomp;
                        $KEY = $PREVKEY;
                        $VALUE = $_;
                } else {
                        ($KEY, $VALUE) = /^(\S[^:]*):(.*)/;
                        $PREVKEY = $KEY;
                }
                if ($KEY eq "Subject") {
                        $VALUE =~ s/^\s*//;
                        $VALUE = decode($VALUE);
                }
                if ($KEY) {
                        $MAIL_HEADER{$KEY} .= $VALUE;
                }
                next;
        }
        if ($STATE eq "PART-BODY") {
                $RAW_BODY .= $_;
                if (/$partbody_boundary/) {
                        {
                                ## -----------------------------------
                                ## HANDLE COMPLETED PART
                                ## -----------------------------------

                                %subvalues = getSubValues($partbody_headers{"Content-Type"});
                                $partbody_filename = decode($subvalues{"name"});

                                if ($partbody_filename eq "") {
                                        %subvalues = getSubValues($partbody_headers{"Content-Disposition"});
                                        $partbody_filename = $subvalues{"filename"};
                                }

                                # if ($partbody_filename eq "") {
                                #         for (my $c=0 ; $subvalues{"filename*$c*"}; $c++) {
                                #                 $partbody_filename .= $subvalues{"filename*$c*"};
                                #         }
                                #        $partbody_filename = decode($partbody_filename, "url");
                                # }

                                if ($partbody_filename) {
                                        $MAIL_ATTACHMENTS{$partbody_count} = $partbody_filename;
                                }

                                # print "PART $partbody_count\n";
                                # print Dumper(\%partbody_headers);
                                # print "FILENAME $partbody_filename\n";
                                # print $partbody;
                        }
                        $STATE = "PART-HEADER";
                        $partbody = "";
                        $partbody_count++;
                        $partbody_filename = "";
                } else {
                        $partbody .= $_;
                }
                next;
        }
        if ($STATE eq "PART-HEADER") {
                $RAW_BODY .= $_;
                if (/^\s*$/) {
                        $STATE = "PART-BODY";
                }
                if (/^\s/) {
                        chomp;
                        if ($_) {
                                $partbody_headers{$PREVKEY} .= "\n".$_;
                        }
                        next;
                } else {
                        ($KEY, $VALUE) = /^(\S[^:]*):(.*)/;
                        if ($KEY && $VALUE) {
                                $partbody_headers{$KEY} = $VALUE;
                        }
                        $PREVKEY = $KEY;
                }
                next;
        }
        if ($STATE eq "BODY") {
                $RAW_BODY .= $_;
                $MAIL_BODY .= $_;
                next;
        }
}

sub getSubValues {
        my $value = shift @_;
        my %subvalues = ();
        my $initial;
        my $oldvalue = "";

        ($initial, $value) = $value =~ m/^([^;\n\r]*)[;[:space:]\n\r]*(.*)/sg;
        $subvalues{""} = $initial;
        while ($value) {
                ($key, $value) = $value =~ /([^=]*)=(.*)/s;
                if ($value =~ /^"/) {
                        ($keyvalue, $value) = $value =~ /"([^"]*)"[[:space:]\n\r]*(.*)/s;
                } else {
                        ($keyvalue, $value) = $value =~ /\s*([^;[:space:]]*)[;[:space:]\n\r]*(.*)/s;
                }
                $subvalues{$key} = $keyvalue;
                if ($oldvalue eq $value) {
                        break;
                }
                $oldvalue = $value;
        }
        return %subvalues;
}

sub encode {
        my $fn = shift @_;
        my $encoding = shift @_;
        my $charset = shift @_;
        if ($charset eq "") {
                $charset = $OUTPUTENCODING;
        }
        if ($encoding eq "url") {
                $fn = "$charset''".URLEncode(Text::Iconv->new($OUTPUTENCODING, $charset)->convert($fn));
        } else {
                $fn = encode_base64(Text::Iconv->new($OUTPUTENCODING, $charset)->convert($fn));
                chomp($fn);
                $fn = "=?$charset?$fn?=";
        }
        return $fn;
}
sub decode {
        my $fn = shift @_;
        my $encoding = shift;
        if ($encoding eq "url") {
                $fn =~ s/([^']*?)''([^;]*?);/Text::Iconv->new($1, $OUTPUTENCODING)->convert(URLDecode($2))/eg;
        } else {
                $fn =~ s/=\?([^\?]*?)\?([^\?]*?)\?([^\?]*?)\?=/Text::Iconv->new($1, $OUTPUTENCODING)->convert(decode_base64($3))/eg;
        }
        return $fn;
}
sub URLDecode {
        my $theURL = $_[0];
        $theURL =~ tr/+/ /;
        $theURL =~ s/%([a-fA-F0-9]{2,2})/chr(hex($1))/eg;
        $theURL =~ s///g;
        return $theURL;
}
sub URLEncode {
        my $theURL = $_[0];
        $theURL =~ s/([\W])/%".uc(sprintf("%2.2x",ord($1)))/eg;
        return $theURL;
}
exit;

And remember that you're a star.

If there are so many people on earth past and present
Then surely every star must be special to someone;
Someone, who will look up each night
To whisper his thoughts in a voice so soft that
It can only be heard by the very star he is talking to.

Surely every star has a story to listen to each night -
The story of a busy day, the story of a day lost in the streets,
The story of a sudden joy in the heart, the story of deep grief -
Surely, in the wide vacuum of space,
Someone is out there to paint your universe with the colors of the earth, because
Space is so cold, it's hard to stay alive
Out there all alone, trying to shine
If there isn't a someone to shine for.

Yes, there are the brighter stars
Who have a larger following
But remember that you are less bright
Only because you are a little further away,
A little more special,
And a little more precious,
Casting your light through the distances of space -
The same distance that stretches out your light so thin,
Is the only ruler long enough to measure
The inspiration you give that someone, so precious,
You had chosen to shine all your life for
But just haven't met.

見送りの　朝はどうやら　肌寒い

I always come to the
Same dark corner and seat myself so deep
Into the darkness
Scribbling into random pages
Of my memory sentences
I do not really know how to punctuate though
I do break the lines so I can breathe
In the fragments and the air in between
One dark corner and another perhaps half
Hoping some transcendence can bring
All the corners of the earth
Into a room I hope
Will have a window or two
So we can let in a little air,
From the outside.

Fragments

I always come to the
Same dark corner and seat myself so deep
Into the darkness
Scribbling into random pages
Of my memory sentences
I do not really know how to punctuate though
I do break the lines so I can breathe
In the fragments and the air in between
One dark corner and another perhaps half
Hoping some transcendence can bring
All the corners of the earth
Into a room I hope
Will have a window or two
So we can let in a little air,
From the outside.

途切れそう　スカイプで聞く　母の歌

Butterfly Fridays
E.E.K.

Friday evening
No date for the night
Feeling sorry for
My single life
Gonna hit the pool and to see if I can
Cry with my face
Hidden in the water
Following the deep blue line

I'm gonna swim my twenty laps
And work'em tired arms
Flippin' right and left and wonder
Why on every lane on a Friday evening
There's another sweet faced boy
Chasing flipping abs

Summer nights are
Kinda cooling
Still the water
Calls to me
Every muscle feels the rhythm
Of the music in my head
Melted in the water
All along the deep blue line

I'm gonna do my crawl and breast
And maybe butterfly
Flip on every lap and wonder
How I would describe the heat under my skin
If the summer heat is killing -
This is even hotter.

Friday evening
Is just the night
For a date with
some random guy.

I'm gonna swim my twenty laps
And work'em tired arms
Flippin' right and left and wonder
Why on every lane on a Friday evening
There's another smiling boy
Ready for his lap

I don't know if I am swimming my laps
Or my laps are swimming me
But does it matter?

(preliminary recording of tune available on request)

Going in, Alone

Maybe some like boys like girls
Maybe some like girls like boys
And maybe some going into life need to unlearn Loneliness
In a world that cannot match them to a similar passion.
If everything were arbitrary,
Let's assume that life equals happiness
And then invent the theories that can help us make
What's left right.

Another weekend
spent.
The nights filled with endless laughter
And conversations that do not add up.
You down the drinks as if you're trying to fill
The Emptiness that'll come the day after;
Let the drinks keep on coming
So Tomorrow would delay
To bring on you his fierce daylight -
Lonely nights, shredded and remolded, now new, shining and empty -
Oh bother,
Another brand new day.

リサイクルできないもの

朝。日光にまだなれてない覚めたばかりの目で見上げてみたら、空は細かった。灰色だったけど眩しかった。そして見えるところまでほど太い黒い線が、上から下へと引かれている。まっすぐな揺らぎのない油性マジックで描いた線は、色をなくした虹のように、虚しかった。この世界の虹は、使い捨てだね。なんてもったいない。

Tonight the moon is neither full
Nor wearing her crescent smile
But she shines, bright like a star, at mid-height
Against a starless sky, layered with
Watercolored clouds, each layer fading into another.
But the winds are so strong
The clouds that frame the moon into a picture
Do not stay still long enough for you to figure out
What's on her mind.