本当に満足した。１０時までの残業なのに、本当に満足した感じだった。頑張ったから。思い切り遊ぶのがどれほど楽しかったら、なるほど、その分努力するのも楽しい。久しぶりな感じだった。珍しくて、貴重な一刻。頑張ってきたと思うのは、こんな感じか。もう忘れた感じだな。その一瞬、本当に和を感じてた。

“Hello, Unlce? I'm Joel here. Is 阿妈 in？……
阿妈？我明天跟你去饮早茶。好吗？
明天饮早茶。
八点。
嗯。”

That boy beside me was saying all that in stuttering Cantonese to his Grandma. But somehow it all seemed so grown-up. Compared to all the great sounding dreams that teenagers brag about, that now seem somehow shallow. But here, within such a simple conversation, I was encouraged. Glad for that utterly frank sincerity that came forth from his voice. Perhaps, we in Singapore haven't yet figured out how much we've lost when we forsook the dialect tongue.

朝一人で自分の部屋で起きるのが好き。毎朝の決まりで、目をまだ開けていないうちラジオをスイッチオン。ラジオ体操で耳の運動。いつも失敗してるが、ニュースで大脳の運動。音楽が流される時起床。洗面。着替え。シェービング。髪の毛の整理。などなど、些細ながら、自分のスペースを贅沢に享受してる。普通は気づかないが、おばさんが僕の部屋に寝てたとき、感じてた。将来二人で暮らす朝、今の僕には、想像できない。

Ok. Think I've wasted enough of the night drinking enough (ribena). That's all for the day, and for the weekend I guess. Nite.

Get tired so easily nowadays. Can't be out for more than half a day, or I'll start to feel the strain. Sucks. Seem to remember a time when I had so much energy to run around and go out till late and all and still stay up late at night! wait... maybe that was because I slept during lessons so much of the time.... :X

そんな世界だったか、僕が生まれる前の世界。ソ連はそんな大
勢力だとは。社会主義もそれほど遠くの昔のものではないね。
資本主義の世界で生きてきた僕には、なおさら世界はいつだっ
て変わりつつあると感じた。

でもさ、世界はどうしていかに民主主義をうたっても、あるレ
ベルでは誰かが覇者のように上から世界を「見守ってる」でし
ょうか。国連もまた無力なジョークのような存在、との批判も
あるでしょう。人間はその野性を脱せないのかな？闇の世界で
は、悟りがないかな。

こんなに思うたびに、疲れたと思っちゃう。それゆえこんな世
界の皆は他に何も思わないで金稼ぎだけにすべてをかけてるの
かな？

朝起きて
昨夜遅寝の
僕が嫌

Scrape "fate". Mayhaps, I have come to decide that fate IS decision. The decision to take hold of something when it comes near you, and the decision to be taken hold of. Maybe it's not that you just can't "clique" with someone - but that you have decided not to open your heart, not to connect. You did away with the handshaking protocol and now you're out of phase. Maybe. But every so often I find it so hard to make friends I can connect to. At the level I would like to. And once in a while I talk to someone who seem to "really understand". I wouldn't like to put people down and think that they're too shallow, but perhaps I should ask myself, why I must deny myself of friendship and think so much and drive myself into solitude. Today, I found out that, if you end up alone, you probably DECIDED to be alone. But as strange as it seems, I think I'm still trying to figure out why I would decide to be alone...

人間は対話が必要だ。電話より、メールより、メディアを超えた自分の考えを人間同士に伝えることコミュニケーションそのものが必要だ。一人じゃいないだと知りたいためか。心で隣の人の手をつないで、皆人間同士だからお互いに頑張ろう、といいたいからか。だからブロッグであれ、Friendsterであれ、「出会い」ができれば何とかなると思って登録する人はよくいるだろう。いいえいいえ、悪く思っていません。いいことだよ。特にこんな冷たいところになったわが文明こそ、いいことだよ。でも礼儀のわかるわれらは、いつもいつも礼儀を忘れられず、「Hi」位すら言うのも失礼じゃないかと思って、ひそかに先に挨拶していただければ、と思いつつあるじゃないか。われらに自由を与えた礼儀も、われらを縛ってる。

気が詰まってるんでしょう。心配すな。僕も一緒だ。お互いに、頑張らない？

I think we should require people to apply for a license when they want to get online. There're just too many unprotected machines out there, offering themselves to be exploited and used to fill your mailbox and mine with spam. Why do we not consider people who don't keep their machines clean as being inconsiderate? It's almost like personal hygiene. If you wash your hands and wipe your ass, surely you can do your virus scan and firewalling (virus scan => hands; firewall=>ass hmmm haha). No, no more excuses that you can't understand these machines, or that you don't know about computers. Go do your homework! If you don't, I hope you pay your ass off and employ someone to look at your machine every other month.

Then, maybe we can start talking about our Indelible Inedible Spam™ Problem and free up some of the world's bandwidth for more pr0n... ooops i mean, for more purposeful online activities :P

Sinners, turn: why will you die?

God, your Maker, asks you why.

God, Who did your being give,

Gave Himself, that you might live;

He the fatal cause demands,

Asks the work of His own hands.

Why, you thankless creatures, why,

Will you cross His love, and die?



Sinners, turn: why will you die?

God, your Savior, asks you why.

God, Who did your souls retrieve,

Died Himself, that you might live.

Will you let Him die in vain?

Crucify your Lord again?

Why, you ransomed sinners, why,

Will you slight His grace and die?



Sinners, turn: why will you die?

God, the Spirit, asks you why;

He, Who all your lives hath strove,

Wooed you to embrace His love.

Will you not His grace receive?

Will you still refuse to live?

Why, you long sought sinners, why,

Will you grieve your God, and die?



You, on whom He favors showers,

You, possessed of nobler powers,

You, of reason’s powers possessed,

You, with will and memory blessed,

You, with finer sense endued,

Creatures capable of God;

Noblest of His creatures, why,

Why will you forever die?



You, whom He ordained to be

Transcripts of the Trinity,

You, whom He in life doth hold,

You for whom Himself was sold,

You, on whom He still doth wait,

Whom He would again create;

Made by Him, and purchased, why,

Why will you forever die?



You, who own His record true,

You, His chosen people, you,

You, who call the Savior Lord,

You, who read His written Word,

You, who see the Gospel light,

Claim a crown in Jesus’ right;

Why will you, ye Christians, why,

Will the house of Israel die?





Turn, He cries, ye sinners turn;

By His life your God hath sworn;

He would have you turn and live,

He would all the world receive;

He hath brought to all the race

Full salvation by His grace;

He hath not one soul passed by;

Why will you resolve to die?



Can ye doubt, if God is love,

If to all His mercies move?

Will ye not His Word receive?

Will ye not His oath believe?

See, the suffering God appears!

Jesus weeps! Believe His tears!

Mingled with His blood they cry,

Why will you resolve to die?



Dead, already dead within,

Spiritually dead in sin,

Dead to God while here you breathe,

Pant ye after second death?

Will you still in sin remain,

Greedy of eternal pain?

O you dying sinners, why,

Why will you forever die?



What could your Redeemer do

More than He hath done for you?

To procure your peace with God,

Could He more than shed His blood?

After all His waste of love,

All His drawings from above,

Why will you your Lord deny?

Why will you resolve to die?



Sinners, turn, while God is near:

Dare not think Him insincere:

Now, even now, your Savior stands,

All day long He spreads His hands,

Cries, you will not happy be!

No, you will not come to Me!

Me, Who life to none deny:

Why will you resolve to die?



Can you doubt if God is love?

If to all His mercies move?

Will you not His Word receive?

Will you not His oath believe?

See! the suffering God appears!

Jesus weeps! Believe His tears!

Mingled with His blood, they cry,

Why will you resolve to die?

「出会った頃の二人に
　もう一度戻って見よう
　そして二人で手を繋ぎ
　幸せになろうよ・・・」　

（『幸せになろうよ』・長渕剛）

いい曲だな。幸せって感じ、いいだな。
相手なしの僕だって、そう思ってる・・・
いつ、僕にも幸せがやって来るだろうか。

Is it I, or is it Christ? No, maybe that's not what we ask ourselves deep inside. Maybe we ask ourselves "Is it Christ's turn or mine?" and we bargain with God. How does one give oneself so completely, that he should not ask "what about me?" It must be deep faith, the kind that trusts that God plans the best. Why do we trust so little? Why must we think that we can do it by ourselves? And when all is well, we forget how badly we wanted Him, when everything around us seemed to be crumbling?

Deep inside, we are confused. Our minds can reason, but we can't convince the heart. Yes, there are things we want badly - but these things represent deeper needs, needs that God can completely satisfy. But no, we don't want God to give us that better version - we just want what we have been asking for all this while... because... we ask... what if God's version can't really make us so happy? What if? And we remember the times we asked and asked and God gave, but we were not satisfied. Why weren't we? We haven't figured out. Maybe it's just that we never trust God enough to give ourselves fully enough... that we could enjoy God's fullness, fully enough.... and we ask God to "prove to us" that He can do it....

God, it takes so much to step onto the water.

s/we/i/g; s/us/me/g;

Another monday afternoon, the week rolls on.

while ($number_days) {



   for $day (@weekdays) {

      do_weekday_routine();

   }

   

   for $day (@weekend) {

      do_weekend_routine();

   }

   

   $number_days -= 7;



}

“做坏了拉。”

子供みたいな表情で私を見た。これが俺の一切だ、と言ってるようなあせりいっぱいの顔つきで車のジャックを上げようとしていた父親。車の後ろに、妹が車を後退するとき何かにつぶしてできたくぼみはまだそのままに残された。僕にとって、それはすでに父の愛の表現そのものになった。この前の父は、いつも愛車を大事にしていたが、あるとき、僕は大きな箱を自分の頭の上に載せて、車まで持っていって車のトランクの上に置いた時、父はその時まだ新しい車のトランクに傷でもできたのかと思って、結構気になって、怒ってた。僕は自分の頭の上に置いたぜ。何で僕の頭より車の方が気になってるのかと、僕は言い返した。そんな僕の心の中のどこかで、父の車のことまでねたましく思っていたかもしれないが、その時、あまりに車のことを気にする父をとても見たくなかった。が、妹のくぼみはいまだにそのままに残されてる。

みんなはいつもの朝のように一緒に出ようとしていたとき、メードさんはマレー語で車のタイヤがバンクしたと言った。あまり聞きなれない言葉か、両親は何回か繰り返して言わせた。そとに出ると、その通り、パンクしたタイヤ。父は新しいタイヤをトランクから取り出して、車をジャックで上げようとしたが、ジャックを間違ったところに置いたため、車の下のジャックを置いたところがつぶされ、新しいタイヤを入れようともできなかった。どうしょうかもわからず、父はあせりいっぱい顔をした。

が、その時の父の気持ちは、この車が俺の一切だとは感じなかった。この家族のためにがんばってる姿しか見えませんでした。きっと、昔からも父はその気持ちでしたが、そんな小粒な父を思い出す度に、こころの底に、本当にこの人を抱きたくなる。

こんな父を覚えたいです。こんな父に「愛してる」と言いたいです。でもこんな言葉などを口にするのが難しいのも、認めたくないながら、父らしい。こんな父にはこんな僕だろうか。

同事A:250元，少吃几次餐馆就行了啦！
同事B:问题是，你太少吃餐馆了！

you like one-liners?

char *raise (char s[]) 

{

    *s ? raise(s+1)[-1] |=   _  

       ( *s >= 'A' && *s <= 'Z') _

       / (32==32) * 32 : 0;

    return s;

}

it's the dessert syndrome. it's like you're not hungry, but not really satisfied, and still looking for a little something more, hoping that it will make it all look as if it's been worth it - and you won't let the day go. you stay up and refuse to sleep, unwilling to loose from your hands whatever remained of a day not terrible enough for you to want to forget, nor good enough for you to be contented just to savour its bittersweet aftertaste. oh, for that sweet satisfaction to say "i've had enough" - enough of both the good and the bad when i must finally lay myself down for my eternal rest! but, for now, there is much to learn. and like tonight, i must learn to lay myself down and learn to be contented - contented to know that tomorrow will bring a new hope that will make me glad to know that it's been the best thing just to rest and let go.

good night.

phew. for a while i thought blogger's totally american. as in totally monolingual. was gonna post about how that sucks but good thing it's now straightened out. mebbe i'll find time to tweak this thing sometime...

yeah, got around to it finally. couldn't stand not having a webbie around, and my current web host doesn't seem to be giving a damn about my email. So here's autumnwind iii, more distilled than ever. pure content. until content bores me and i start doing design, of course. yes, and a no-capital startup for a first post....

can't blame me. fingers itchy. need to write. need a presence. dun need an audience - ever heard of "intellectual masturbation"? if you need an audience it wouldn't be called that anymore, would it? ooh kinky.

just in case i'm raising expectations too high, no, there ain't no "adult stories" in here. if you want those you can sign up for free stories in your mailbox uhm here.