雑談二章

「１」
人生は舞台ならば、その真ん中にたって、もういいんだよ！と叫んで、みんなに言いたい。でもそんなところがないね。聞いてくれるひともいない。疲れたんだ。みんなそうだろう。しかし前へと進まなきゃいけない。もういやでも。こんな人生はいったいなんなんだろうか。

「２」
Strange how thinking habits evolve. Of late, I find myself not thinking of portable code, but moer of protable algorithms. As in, even though it's ANSI C, I still want to make the algorithm implementable in other languages which are not as strong in their language construct. Not that I will actually get to doing that, but it's just the thinking that goes into things. I just want to think, I think.

Woke up to this and it's still in my head...

Almost heaven, west virginia
Blue ridge mountains
Shenandoah river -
Life is old there
Older than the trees
Younger than the mountains
Growin’ like a breeze

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

All my memories gathered 'round her
Miner’s lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of moonshine
Teardrops in my eye

I hear her voice
In the mornin’ hour she calls me
The radio reminds me of my home far away
And drivin’ down the road I get a feelin’
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads

Funny that an ex-classmate just asked me if I have invested by CPF. No, I don't have no CPF. I'm just a foreigner with no 故郷 to go back to.

今朝おきて、ラジオをつけたら、「乾杯」が流された。
こんな今朝もあるのよね。
いつか年を取ったら、自分はどんな僕を思い出すのか、つい自分に聞いた。
人生って、何なんだろうな。
年を取って青春の時の自分を思い出すのは、つらいことになるのか、幸せな思い出になるのか。

ついに詩集を取り出して、結構好きな一生を読んだ。

When You are Old

WHEN you are old and gray and full of sleep
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead,
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

大人になったら、なんになる、とは自分にはもう聞かない。
それは単に未来だけを見ている考え方だからだ。
僕の頭の奥で常に覚えているのはね、未来の僕が振り向けば、
どんな過去が見えるのか、ということだ。なんか、
未来の僕と今の僕との対話見たいな感覚だ。映画みたいだ。

だから時間と空間が重なった映画が好きだ。体の中に、
その本当の意味がわかる気がするから。

今の僕と未来の僕との間の距離は、本当に隙間のように小さいんだよ。

又一块大石
磕碰一声
就坠入了见不着底的深池，
好深，好深--
又好像，在掉落的不是大石，好像，
那一瞬间，
大石是我的世界的绝对点--
而在往下不停地坠落的
是我世界的一切--
好深，好深，
好像
坠入了一个，没有底的永远。

时常会这样。
醒过来，
也不知道自己的世界少了些什么
只觉得自己好像做了个好累的梦；

遥望碧海苍天，
只见崇山峻岭，悠然顶天立地；
装出一副潇洒，笑着说
一粒沙，微不足道！

谁又看得见那心底
葬了几许的忧伤。

每次想想自己的生活，就感到一股很深很切的憂傷。一種無奈，無法怨恨神，也無法接受這一切一切的事實。羨慕活的那麼燦爛的人，過的那麼美麗的人。

是，我在工作上，順利得已經連半句怨言也想不出，真的是完美得不得了﹔可是我的內心生活，卻如此空虛，又有誰能想知？生活中，好像心中要的，都得不到。還有人說是因為我不肯花錢去得到，可是我要的，真的已經不是金錢所買得到的。我只想要人門真正地喜歡我，不是因為我能為他們做什麼，就是喜歡我這個人。我想要真正的朋友，緊緊跟著我身邊，陪有走每一段路。我只是不想孤單，不想一個人。我要的，是那麼簡單，又是那麼難得．．．

我也蠻努力去讓人喜歡我啊。或許是這地方，這環境不適合我吧？每次都這樣想，心理才比較好過一點，可是一直還是不了解，神為什麼要做出這樣的我，讓我活得這麼累。

神様は、ネットに乗って、Webで日記を読んで
カキコにコメントをつけるのかな？
僕の日記を読んでいないみたいですね。

四點到了故宮
正好停止售票
紫禁城進不了

水面下
光の波紋
裂けはせぬ

最近ですね、超つまらないんだよ。
出かけようともあいてなし。
家に帰ってもすることない。
一番楽しみにしているのは、月曜日の水泳かな。
なんとかしなきゃ、と思ったりはするけど・・・
やはり、シンガポールはつまらないね。
なぜかここが僕の居場所ではない気がする。
ずっとしてきた。
いつか出てみたい。

つまらない話を聞かせてごめんね。
このBlogで本当に人が読みたいものを乗せたかったが。
こんなカキコを含めていつも読んでくれるあなた、ありがとう。

やっぱり、一人だよね、僕は。
一人でいて、もう疲れたけど、人生は続けていくのね。
仕方ないな。生まれてきたから、生きてゆこう。
リズムを変えてみよう。

Maybe it was the beer. Maybe it was the rhythm. Maybe it was the deejay. Or maybe it was stuff in the beer, I don't know. What I remember was the beat vibrating though the stool, though the wall, and ultimately under the floor though which everyone was inexplicably connected to the music. And suddenly it was smooth, and suddenly it was heavy, and I could feel it beating in me, as if my organs were too, were beating to it. Suddenly the lights were flashing, suddenly the beat was in me. And then, just so suddenly again, the beat took over me. I could feel the pulse in my legs and arms, and my body began to move in unfamiliar half-beats. It was my body, assimiliating the drumbeats into my system... there was something strange and unfamiliar about it... but I should quite think, that that night, I was dancing.

ＫＬ。友達がいるなんてうそみたいに一人だな。
旅は、楽しいはずかな。
普通やってないことをやるのは、面白いが、それは「楽しい」には限らない。
それだけで旅を続けられるかな？
長い旅をしている方々は、どんな心境で流離の人生を歩んでるかな。
一人で旅しても楽しい行きかた、それを習いたいな。

Okay I've been looking for this song for ages, and am finally coming to this. If anyone knows this song, please mail me:

Genre: Japanese Pop
Singer: donno!
Lyrics: donno!
Composer: donno!

シンガポールは立派なお国になってるよね、昨日二つのシンガポール人のアルバムを買って、聞いて、そう思ってた・・・

Bought Huang Yida's new album just because one section of one song on radio. It's his music... luscious, organic, orgasmic. It wasn't like I heard exactly what words he sang, but the words and the music came through well. And so it was his music that drew me in. Somehow this time round, I don't really care too much what the lyrics are, just happy that the lyrics agreed with the music... usually, I'm drawn in first by the music, then the lyrics - and then I start liking the song really a lot and a lot because of the lyrics. Maybe it's just that this time it's just the sound that mattered...

But then, the sound of the lyrics could change the sound of the music. Anyway...

So are you a music person or a lyrics person?

Put it in another way, is it the looks or the personality that you look for?

Kinda the same thing, ain't it?

It boggles my mind how it could be true, that a son who had demanded for his share of the estate, gone away, spent his money, spent his life, driven to the edge, when he came back to his house, could be greeted, not by sneering voices, not by theories of retribution, not by deep hurts dug up as anger, but by love. That a father could be so loving, that although on all counts, his son should have disappointed him and deserved nothing but the place of a servant, instead chose not to reason by logic, not to reason by the past, not to reason by the fact that he no longer owed his son anything, but to respond in love, seeing not a son that had been unfilial and a total disgrace, but seeing a son who had returned as if from the dead. From the dead! How limited our view of things is, that we cannot see beyond death and get so bogged down by reason and short-spanned emotions...

Unfortunately I think most daddys aren't like that. I can hear them say "I told you so!" or "you deserved it!" or "and you still have the cheek to come back!" followed by a long lecture poured out of a hurting and angry heart. Because deep inside, we know we deserve nothing more than the angry eyes of unapproving parents, for we have fallen short of their expectations. Because we know we have failed them, and we know that when we fail our exams, we get punished.

I guess earthly parents don't love enough to let go, to say less of picking up broken pieces after we have gone all wrong. We all humans look too much at our own hurts. All this makes God's love so unbelievably amazing. Grace, they call it. Totally undeserved. So undeserved that some of us - at least I - have problems trying to believe that it is all, for real.

本物の祭りといえば、ほとんど宗教関係の祭りでしょう。
国もそれぞれの祭りがあれば、それが名物になり、外国の方が見物しに来るでしょう。
だが、シンガポールは、宗教がないのだ。信じる人がいないではなく、国としては、宗教関連の祭りだったら、××祭りはシンガポールの祭りだ、とは言わなく、あくまでも○○宗教の祭りだ、との感覚が強いと思う。つまり、シンガポールは本物の祭りがない。だからシンガポールは必死に祭りを作ってる。たとえば、旧暦のお正月の頃は、ＣＨＩＮＧＡＹというのがある。オチャードの道路を封鎖して、人が踊りながら、Ｆｌｏａｔというある主題を元に飾ったお車を通わせる祭りだ。旧暦のお正月は、ここの中国系が祝ってるけど、こういうＣＨＩＮＧＡＹのような祭りは、ないのだ。それどころか、本当にあるのは、花火。でもシンガポールは一般人は花火の使用は法律により禁じられてる・・・

祭りを見ながら育てた人にとって、これは変かもしれないが、綺麗なシンガポールの奥は、こういう虚無さだ。祭りがないせいか、他国の人が放射している熱情は、シンガポール人には感じられない、と思う。やっぱり、人間には祭りが必要、かな。

人並みの聡明。みんなと同じ悩み。普通な欲望。つまり、普通な人間。ずっと、心のそこかから、望んでいたのは、それに過ぎないかも。一緒に悩みあうのを周りに見たら、なんか羨ましい。だれが僕の悩みを理解してくれる？だれが僕を助けれくれる？私のすべてをわかり切っている神様だって、なにもしていないようだ。こんな僕は希望があったって、虚無さだけかな。

ブログに乗せるネタじゃないが、今の僕は、なんかすごく恋いしたい・・・だが、好きになれそうな人は、周りに誰か一人いない・・・＊SIGH＊いったい・・・彼女は、いったいどこにいるのかな・・・ずっと待ってたから、早く現れてよ。

I think I've figured out why people think that my sister's older than I. Okay, maybe it's that she is pretty matured in her thinking and behaviour, but also this - do you believe there's an eldest-child and youngest-child character, that most eldest-children behave in a certain way and youngest-children have certain traits? I think my problem is that I have a youngest-child character... I think. Somehow, no matter how majime a person I am, I'm not losing it...

guess what... that means i have a problem, don't you think so? cos i don't have an elder brother to relate to me in response...

nvm if u think this kakiko's all crap. there's just nothing to do on saturday nights.